GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS:

A BRIEF AND FAITHFUL RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING

MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST TO HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN

BUNYAN;

WHEREIN IS PARTICULARLY SHOWED THE MANNER OF HIS

CONVERSION, HIS SIGHT AND TROUBLE FOR SIN, HIS

DREADFUL TEMPTATIONS, ALSO HOW HE DESPAIRED OF

GOD'S MERCY, AND HOW THE LORD AT LENGTH THROUGH

CHRIST DID DELIVER HIM FROM ALL THE GUILT AND

TERROR THAT LAY UPON HIM.

Whereunto is added a brief relation of his call to the work of the

ministry, of his temptations therein, as also what he hath met with in

prison. All which was written by his own hand there, and now

published for the support of the weak and tempted people of God.

"Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath

done for my soul."—Psalm 66:16.

London: Printed by George Larkin, 1666.

This title page was afterwards altered, and instead of what follows the

first line, he inserted,

Or a brief and faithful relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ

to his poor servant, John Bunyan; namely, in his taking of him out of

the dunghill, and converting of him to the faith of his blessed Son,

Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly showed, what sight of, and what

trouble he had for sin; and also what various temptations he hath met

with, and how God hath carried him through them.

Corrected and much enlarged now by the Author, for the benefit of the

tempted and dejected Christian.

ADVERTISEMENT BY THE EDITOR.

The great utility of remarkable accounts of the ways of God in bringing

his sheep into the fold, must be admitted by all. The Bible abounds

with these manifestations of Divine grace from the gentle voice that

called Samuel, even unto the thunder which penetrated the soul of one,

who followed the church with continued malignity, calling unto him,

"Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?"—a voice so terrible, and

accompanied by such a flood of light, as to strike the persecutor to the

earth, and for a season to deprive him of sight.

The 'Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners' is doubly interesting, as

it unfolds to us not only the return of a notorious prodigal, but a

wondrous system of education, by which a chosen man was fitted for a

wondrous work; heavenly and spiritual learning, which could not have

been obtained in all the schools and universities in the world. It enabled

a poor, vile, unlettered rebel—a blasphemous travelling tinker, to

become a most eminent preacher; one whose native powers, sanctified

by harrowing but hallowing feelings, attracted the deep attention of the

most learned and pious of his contemporaries, while it carried

conviction to the most impious and profane. Even beyond all this, his

spiritual acquirements fitted him, without scholastic learning, to

become the most popular, the most attractive, the most useful of

English authors. His works increase remarkably in popularity. As time

rolls on, they are still read with deeper and deeper interest, while his

bodily presence and labours mingle in the records of the events of

bygone ages.

Bunyan's account of his singular trials and temptations may have

excited alarm in the minds of some young Christians lest they should

be in an unconverted state, because they have not been called to pass

through a similar mode of training. Pray recollect, my dear young

Christian, that all are not called to such important public labours as

Bunyan, or Whitfield, or Wesley. All the members of the Christian

family are trained to fit them for their respective positions in the church

of Christ. It is a pleasant and profitable exercise to look back to the day

of our espousals, and trace the operations of Divine grace in digging us

from the hole of the pit; but the important question with us all should

be, not so much HOW we became enlightened, but NOW do we love

Christ? Now do we regret our want of greater conformity to his image?

If we can honestly answer these questions in the affirmative, we are

believers, and can claim our part in that precious promise, "Whosoever

liveth and believeth in me shall never die." Spiritual life is ours, and

eternal life is essentially connected with it, and must be our portion,

without an inquiry into the means by which we were called, whether by

the thunders and lighting of Sinai, as Paul was smitten, or by the "still

small voice" (Acts 9:3,4; 1 Kings 19:12; Job 4:16,17).

The value of such a narrative to a terror-stricken prodigal is vividly

shown by Bunyan, in his 'Jerusalem Sinner Saved,' in one of those

colloquial pieces of composition in which he eminently shone. 'Satan is

loath to part with a great sinner. "What, my true servant," quoth he,

"my old servant, wilt thou forsake me now? Having so often sold

thyself to me to work wickedness, wilt thou forsake me now? Thou

horrible wretch, dost not know, that thou hast sinned thyself beyond the

reach of grace, and dost think to find mercy now? Art not thou a

murderer, a thief, a harlot, a witch, a sinner of the greatest size, and

dost thou look for mercy now? Dost thou think that Christ will foul his

fingers with thee? It is enough to make angels blush, saith Satan, to see

so vile a one knock at heaven-gates for mercy, and wilt thou be so

abominably bold to do it?" Thus Satan dealt with me, says the great

sinner, when at first I came to Jesus Christ. And what did you reply?

Saith the tempted. Why, I granted the whole charge to be true, says the

other. And what, did you despair, or how? No, saith he, I said, I am

Magdalene, I am Zacheus, I am the thief, I am the harlot, I am the

publican, I am the prodigal, and one of Christ's murderers; yea, worse

than any of these; and yet God was so far off from rejecting of me, as I

found afterwards, that there was music and dancing in his house for me,

and for joy that I was come home unto him. O blessed be God for

grace, says the other, for then I hope there is favour for me.'

The 'Grace Abounding' is a part of Bunyan's prison meditations, and

strongly reminds us of the conversation between Christian and Hopeful

on the enchanted ground.

'Christian. Now then, to prevent drowsiness in this place, let us fall into

good discourse.

'Hopeful. With all my heart.

'Christian. Where shall we begin?

'Hopeful. Where God began with us.'

To prevent drowsiness, to beguile the time, he looks back to his past

experience, and the prison became his Patmos—the gate of heaven—a

Bethel, in which his time was occupied in writing for the benefit of his

fellow-Christians. He looks back upon all the wondrous way through

which the Lord had led him from the City of Destruction to Mount

Zion. While writing his own spiritual pilgrimage, his great work broke

upon his imagination.

'And thus it was: I writing of the way,

And race of saints, in this our gospel day,

Fell suddenly into an allegory

About their journey, and the way to glory.'

'As you read the "Grace Abounding," you are ready to say at every step,

here is the future author of the "Pilgrim's Progress." It is as if you stood

beside some great sculptor, and watched every movement of his chisel,

having seen his design; so that at every blow some new trait of beauty

in the future statue comes clearly into view.'[1]

A great difference of opinion has been expressed by learned men as to

whether Bunyan's account of himself is to be understood literally, as it

respects his bad conduct before his conversion, or whether he views

himself through a glass, by which his evil habits are magnified. No one

can doubt his perfect honesty. He plainly narrates his bad, as well as his

redeeming qualities; nor does his narrative appear to be exaggerated.

He was the son of a travelling tinker, probably a gipsy, 'the meanest

and most despised rank in the land'; when, alarmed at his sins,

recollection that the Israelites were once the chosen people of God, he

asked his father, whether he was of that race; as if he thought that his

family were of some peculiar people, and it was easy for such a lad to

blend the Egyptians with the Israelitish race. When he was defamed, his

slanderers called him a witch, or fortune teller, a Jesuit, a highwayman,

or the like. Brought up to his father's trade, with his evil habits

unchecked, he became a very depraved lad; and when he states his sad

character, it is with a solemn pledge that his account is strictly true.

Probably, with a view to the full gratification of his sinful propensities,

he entered the army, and served among the profligate soldiers of

Charles I at the siege of Leicester.[2]

During this time, he was ill at ease; he felt convinced of sin, or

righteousness, and of judgment, without a hope of mercy. Hence his

misery and internal conflicts, perhaps the most remarkable of any upon

record. His own Giant Despair seized him with an iron grasp. He felt

himself surrounded by invisible beings, and in the immediate presence

of a holy God. By day, he was bewildered with tormenting visions, and

by night alarming dreams presented themselves to him upon his bed.

The fictitious appeared to his terrified imagination realities. His excited

spirit became familiar with shapeless forms and fearful powers. The

sorrows of death, and the pains of hell, got hold upon him. His internal

conflict was truly horrible, as one who thought himself under the power

of demons; they whispered in his ears—pulled his clothes; he madly

fought, striking at imaginary shades with his hands, and stamping with

his feet at the destroyer. Thoughts of the unpardonable sin beset him,

his powerful bodily frame became convulsed with agony, as if his

breast bone would split, and he burst asunder like Judas. He possessed

a most prolific mind, affording constant nourishment to this excited

state of his feelings. He thought that he should be bereft of his wits;

than a voice rushed in at the window like the noise of wind, very

pleasant, and produced a great calm in his soul. His intervals of ease,

however, were short; the recollection of his sins, and a fear that he had

sold his Saviour, haunted his affrighted spirit. His soul became so

tormented, as to suggest to his ideas the suffering of a malefactor

broken upon the wheel. The climax of these terrors is narrated at

paragraph No. 187. 'Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or

do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sat down upon a

settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful

state my sin had brought me to; and, after long musing, I lifted up my

head, but methought I saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did

grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles

upon the houses, did bend themselves against me; methought that they

all combined together, to banish me out of the world; I was abhorred of

them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be a partaker of their benefits,

because I had sinned against the Saviour.' In this deep abyss of misery,

THAT love which has heights and depths passing knowledge, laid

under him the everlasting arms, and raised him from the horrible pit in

miry clay, when no human powers could have reached his case. Dr.

Cheever eloquently remarks, that 'it was through this valley of the

shadow of death, overhung by darkness, peopled with devils,

resounding with blasphemy and lamentations; and passing amidst

quagmires and pitfalls, close by the very mouth of hell, that Bunyan

journeyed to that bright and fruitful land of Beulah, in which he

sojourned during the latter days of his pilgrimage.' The only trace

which his cruel sufferings and temptations seen to have left behind

them, was an affectionate compassion for those who were still in the

state in which he had once been.

Young Christians, you must not imagine that all these terrors are

absolute prerequisites to faith in the Saviour. God, as a sovereign, calls

his children to himself by various ways. Bunyan's was a very

extraordinary case, partly from his early habits––his excitable mind, at

a period so calculated to fan a spark of such feelings into a flame. His

extraordinary inventive faculties, softened down and hallowed by this

fearful experience, became fitted for most extensive usefulness.

To eulogize this narrative, would be like 'gilding refined gold'; but I

cannot help remarking, among a multitude of deeply interesting

passages, his observations upon that honest open avowal of Christian

principles, which brought down severe persecution upon him. They

excite our tenderest sympathy; his being dragged from his home and

wife and children, he says, 'hath oft been to me, as the pulling my flesh

from my bones; my poor blind child, what sorrow art thou like to have

for thy portion in this world! thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer

hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot

now endure the wind should blow upon thee. O, I saw I was as a man

who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and

children; yet, recollecting myself, thought I, I must venture you all with

God.' How awful must be the state of the wretched persecutor, who

occasions such sufferings to the children of the most high God!

In this edition, the greatest care has been taken to preserve the exact

words of the author, as he first published them; where he altered or

added to the text in subsequent editions, it is marked with an inverted

comma, or inserted in the notes. Obsolete words and customs are

explained; the numbering of his sections is continued, in addition to

which, it is divided into chapters for family reading, upon the plan of

the late Rev. J. Ivimey; double inverted commas denote quotations of

Scripture.

The reader is strongly pressed to keep in his recollection the peculiar

use made of the word should, by the author in this narrative. It is from

the Saxon scealan, to be obliged. Thus, in the Saxon gospels (Matt

27:15), "the governor should release unto the people a prisoner"; in our

version it is, "was wont to release," meaning that custom compelled

him so to do. In Bunyan's phraseology, the word should is used in the

same sense, that is, to show that, under peculiar circumstances, his

feelings or position involuntarily produced a certain result. Thus, in No.

6, Troubled with the thoughts of judgment and condemnation I should

tremble; and in No. 15, The father of his wife having left her two

books, in these I should sometimes read; probably the only books he

then had. It is remarkable, that although the Saxon language had not

been spoken in Bedfordshire for many centuries, still many valuable

words remained in use.

The order in which this thrilling narrative of Bunyan's religious feelings

and experience is now for the first time published, is, I. Grace

Abounding to the Chief of Sinners––his call to the ministry, and his

imprisonment for refusing to attend the Church of England service. II.

His Relation of the Circumstances attending his incarceration in

Bedford Jail. III. The continuation of his Life to his decease, written by

one of his friends, and always printed with Grace Abounding. IV. His

Dying Thoughts. V. His Prison Meditations––verses which were

probably sold on a broadside or sheet of paper by his children, to

procure necessaries for his family.

The length of the notes may need some apology; the only one the editor

can make is his veneration for John Bunyan, and his earnest desire to

render this inestimable book more deeply interesting, by explaining

manners, customs, and words not now in use; the note on No. 232,

occupied the time of one whole day.

The errors, omissions, and additions, which existed to a most

extraordinary extent through the book, have been corrected, and the

text restored to its primitive beauty; among many hundred of these

errors, one may suffice as a specimen; it is in Bunyan's preface, 'God

did not play in convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of

me,' this is altered in many editions to 'God did not play in tempting of

me.'

Most earnestly do I hope that this republication, now for the first time,

for nearly two hundred years, given in its native excellence and purity,

may be attended with the Divine blessing, to the comfort of many

despairing Jerusalem sinners; to the building up of the church of Christ

on earth; to the extension of pure, heart-felt, genuine Christianity; and

to the confusion of the persecutors. They intended, by shutting the

pious pilgrim up in a dungeon, to prevent his voice from being heard to

the comfort of his poor neighbours, and by which violence, his

persecutors have caused his voice to burst the prison doors and walls,

and to be heard over the whole world. His 'Pilgrim's Progress,' which

was written in prison, has been, and now is, a guide to Christian

pilgrims of all nations, kindreds, tribes, and people, teaching them not

to rest content in any national religion, but personally to search the

Scriptures, with earnest supplications to the God of mercy and truth,

that they may be guided to Christ, as the Alpha and Omega of their

salvation.

GEORGE OFFOR.

A PREFACE, OR BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING OF

THIS WORK,

WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO

THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO

BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD.

Children, grace be with you, Amen. I being taken from you in presence,

and so tied up, that I cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie

upon me to youward, for your further edifying and building up in faith

and holiness, &c., yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly care and

desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare; I now once again, as

before, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, so 'now' from the lions'

dens, from the mountains of the leopards (Song 4:8), do look yet after

you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into the desired

haven.[3]

I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I

stick between the teeth of the lions in the wilderness, at the grace, and

mercy, and knowledge of Christ our saviour, which God hath bestowed

upon you, with abundance of faith and love. Your hungerings and

thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father, in his Son;

your tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy

deportment also, before both God and men, is great refreshment to me;

"For ye are my glory and joy" (1 Thess 2:20).

I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey, that I have taken

out of the carcase of a lion (Judg 14:5-9). I have eaten thereof myself

also, and am much refreshed thereby. (Temptations, when we meet

them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; but if we

overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest of

honey within them.) The Philistines understand me not. It is 'something

of' a relation of the work of God upon my own soul, even from the very

first, till now; wherein you may perceive my castings down, and

raisings up; for he woundeth, and his hands make whole. It is written in

the Scripture (Isa 38:19), "The father to the children shall make known

the truth of God." Yea, it was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai (Deut

4:10,11), to see the fire, and the cloud, and the darkness, that I might

fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and tell of his

wondrous works to my children (Psa 78:3-5).

Moses (Num 33:1,2) writ of the journeyings of the children of Israel,

from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also, that they did

remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness. "Thou shalt

remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years

in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was

in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no"

(Deut 8:2). Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do; and not only so,

but to publish it also; that, if God will, others may be put in

remembrance of what he hath done for their souls, by reading his work

upon me.

It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very

beginnings of grace with their souls. "It is a night to be much observed

unto the Lord for bringing them out from the land of Egypt: this is that

night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in their

generations" (Exo 12:42). "O my God," saith David (Psa 42:6), "my

soul is cast down within me; therefore will I remember thee from the

land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar." He

remembered also the lion and the bear, when he went to fight with the

giant of Gath (1 Sam 17:36,37).

It was Paul's accustomed manner (Acts 22), and that when tried for his

life (Acts 24), even to open, before his judges, the manner of his

conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, in the which he

first did meet with grace;[4] for he found it support unto him. When

God had brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea, far into the

wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, to remember

the drowning of their enemies there (Num 14:25). For though they sang

his praise before, yet "they soon forgat his works" (Psa 106:11-13).

In this discourse of mine you may see much; much, I say, of the grace

of God towards me. I thank God I can count it much, for it was above

my sins and Satan's temptations too. I can remember my fears, and

doubts, and sad months with comfort; they are as the head of Goliah in

my hand. There was nothing to David like Goliah's sword, even that

sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels; for the very sight

and remembrance of that did preach forth God's deliverance to him.

Oh, the remembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, and of

my great fears of perishing for ever! They bring afresh into my mind

the remembrance of my great help, my great support from heaven, and

that the great grace that God extended to such a wretch as I.

My dear children, call to mind the former days, "and the years of

ancient times: remember also your songs in the night; and commune

with your own heart" (Psa 73:5-12). Yea, look diligently, and leave no

corner therein unsearched, for there is treasure hid, even the treasure of

your first and second experience of the grace of God toward you.

Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you; remember

your terrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell; remember also

your tears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge

for mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar to remember? Have you forgot

the close, the milk house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God

did visit your soul?[5] Remember also the Word––the Word, I say,

upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope. If you have sinned

against light; if you are tempted to blaspheme; if you are down in

despair; if you think God fights against you; or if heaven is hid from

your eyes, remember it was thus with your father, but out of them all

the Lord delivered me.

I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations

and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of

God with my soul. I could also have stepped into a style much higher

than this in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all

things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not. God did not

play in convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of me,

neither did I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit, when the pangs

of hell caught hold upon me; wherefore I may not play in my relating

of them, but be plain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was. He

that liketh it, let him receive it; and he that does not, let him produce a

better. Farewell.

My dear children, the milk and honey is beyond this wilderness. God

be merciful to you, and grant 'that' you be not slothful to go in to

possess the land.

JOHN BUNYAN.

GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS;

OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD

IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN.

[BUNYAN'S ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF PREVIOUS TO HIS

CONVERSION.]

1. In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it

will not be amiss, if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give you a

hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the

goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced

and magnified before the sons of men.

2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and

inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rank that is

meanest and most despised of all the families in the land.[6] Wherefore

I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of a high-born

state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify

the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door he brought me into this

world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.

3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my

parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to

learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, according to the

rate of other poor men's children;[7] though, to my shame I confess, I

did soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost utterly, and that

long before the Lord did work his gracious work of conversion upon

my soul.

4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the

world, it was indeed according to the course of this world, and "the

spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience" (Eph 2:2,3). It

was my delight to be "taken captive by the devil at his will" (2 Tim

2:26). Being filled with all unrighteousness: the which did also so

strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that

from a child, that I had but few equals, especially considering my years,

which were tender, being few, both for cursing, swearing, lying, and

blaspheming the holy name of God.

5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as

a second nature to me; the which, as I also have with soberness

considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he

did scare and affright me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with

dreadful visions; for often, after I had spent this and the other day in

sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the

apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought,

laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.

6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with

the thoughts of the day of judgment, and that both night and day, and

should tremble at the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell fire; still

fearing that it would be my lot to be found at last amongst those devils

and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and

bonds of eternal darkness, "unto the judgment of the great day."

7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, 'but nine or ten years

old,' did so distress my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports

and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much

cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my

sins. Yea, I was 'also then' so overcome with despair of life and heaven,

that I should often wish either that there had been no hell, or that I had

been a devil–– supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must

needs be that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than 'be'

tormented myself.

8. A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon

forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them,

as if they had never been: wherefore, with more greediness, according

to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins to my lusts, and

delighted in all transgression against the law of God: so that, until I

came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth

that kept me company, into all manner of vice and ungodliness.[8]

9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor

soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had

not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid

myself open, even to the stroke of those laws, which bring some to

disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.

10. In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I

could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that, when

I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, it

would be as it were a prison to me. Then I said unto God, "Depart from

me, for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways" (Job 21:14). I was now

void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight

and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in my

thoughts.[9] O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid

from thee.

11. Yet this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the

greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my

companions; yet, even then, if I have at any time seen wicked things,

by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As

once, above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity, yet hearing

one to swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a

stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart to ache.

12. 'But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now

with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy.

For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning.

Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but mercy yet

preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in the field with one of

my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway; so I,

having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned

her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out

with my fingers; by which act, had not God been merciful unto me, I

might, by my desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.'

13. 'This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a

soldier, I, with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege

it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in

my room; to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and

coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot into the head with

a musket bullet, and died.'[10]

14. 'Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did

awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew

more and more rebellious against God, and careless of mine own

salvation.'

15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state,

and my mercy was to light upon a wife whose father was counted

godly.[11] This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor

might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish or spoon

betwixt us both, yet this she had for her part, The Plain Man's Pathway

to Heaven, and The Practice of Piety, which her father had left her

when he died. In these two books I should sometimes read with her,

wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me;

but all this while I met with no conviction. She also would be often

telling of me, what a godly man her father was, and how he would

reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and amongst his

neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his day, both in word

and deed.

16. Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach

my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget

within me some desires to religion: so that, because I knew no better, I

fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit, to go to church

twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there should very

devoutly, both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my wicked life;

but withal, I was so overrun with a spirit of superstition, that I adored,

and that with great devotion, even all things, both the high place, priest,

clerk, vestment, service, and what else belonging to the church;

counting all things holy that were therein contained, and especially the

priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed,

because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were

principal in the holy temple, to do his work therein.

17. This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had I

but seen a priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his life, I

should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him;

yea, I thought for the love I did bear unto them, supposing they were

the ministers of God, I could have lain down at their feet, and have

been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work, did so

intoxicate and bewitch me.

18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought

came into my mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or

no? For finding in the Scriptures that they were once the peculiar

people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs

be happy.[12] Now again, I found within me a great longing to be

resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should. At last I

asked my father of it; who told me—No, we were not. Wherefore then I

fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained.

19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I

was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion

soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of

him, nor whether there was one, or no. Thus man, while blind, doth

wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way

to the city of God (Eccl 10:15).

20. But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject

was, to treat of the Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that, either

with labour, sports, or otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my

religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and

especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith,[13]

wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and

believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil

doing; and at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I

can remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith,

and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burden

upon my spirit.

21. This, for that instant, did 'benumb'[14] the sinews of my 'best'

delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but behold, it

lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my

mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! How glad was I,

that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, 'that I

might sin again without control!' Wherefore, when I had satisfied

nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old

custom of sports and gaming I returned with great delight.

22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat,[15] and

having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it

the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul,

which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins

and go to hell? At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore,

leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I

had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking

down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if he did

severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and

other my ungodly practices.

23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this

conclusion was fastened on my spirit, for the former hint did set my

sins again before my face, that I had been a great and grievous sinner,

and that it was now too too late for me to look after heaven; for Christ

would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to

musing upon this also; and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest it

should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late;

and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I,

if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my

sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I

must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as to be damned

for few.

24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were

present; but yet I told them nothing: but I say, I having made this

conclusion, I returned 'desperately' to my sport again; and I well

remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul,

that I was persuaded, I could never attain to other comfort than what I

should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must

not think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of

sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste

the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly

with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I

feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lie not, neither do

I feign this sort of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my

heart, my desires; the good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive

me my transgressions.

25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more

usual amongst poor creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun

their spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of

conscience; which frame, he stilly and slyly supplieth with such

despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the soul, yet they

continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hopes

for them; for they have loved sins, "therefore after them they will go"

(Jer 2:25, 18:12).

26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still

grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did

continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was

standing at a neighbour's shop-window, and there cursing and

swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sat

within, the woman of the house, and heard me, who, though she was a

very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at

that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told

me further, That I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she

heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the

youth in a whole town, if they came but in my company.

27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that too,

as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood there,

and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might be

a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak without this

wicked way of swearing;[16] for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it,

that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation, for I thought it could

never be.

28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward so

leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it;

and whereas before, I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath

before, and another behind, to make my words have authority; now, I

could, 'without it,' speak better, and with more pleasantness, than ever I

could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave

my sports and plays.

29. But quickly after this, I fell in company with one poor man that

made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly

of the Scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore, falling into

some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and

began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the

historical part thereof; for, as for Paul's epistles, and Scriptures of that

nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but ignorant, either of

the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ

to save me.

30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words

and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to

heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I

thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have

comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my

conscience; but then I should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and

promise God to do better next time, and there get help again, 'for then I

thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.'

31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did

take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did

marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and

manners; and, indeed, so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor

grace, nor faith, nor hope; and, truly, as I have well seen since, had then

died, my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say, continued about a

twelvemonth or more.

32. 'But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great

conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral

life; and, truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as great,

as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man.[17] Now, therefore, they

began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face,

and behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become godly; now, I

was become a right honest man. But, oh! When I understood that these

were their words and opinions of men, it pleased me mighty well. For

though, as yet, I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved

to be talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my

godliness, and, indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well

spoken of, by man. And thus I continued for about a twelvemonth or

more.'

33. 'Now, you must know, that before this I had taken much delight in

ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such

practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my

mind hankered; wherefore I should go to the steeple house, and look on

it, though I durst not ring. But I thought this did not become religion

neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on still; but quickly after, I

began to think, How, if one of the bells should fall? Then I chose to

stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to

side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should think again,

should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then

rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me

stand in the steeple door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for, if a

bell should then fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be

preserved notwithstanding.'

34. 'So, after this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go

further than the steeple door; but then it came into my head, How, if the

steeple itself should fall? And this thought, it may fall for ought I

know, when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind,

that I durst not stand at the steeple door any longer, but was forced to

flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.'

35. 'Another thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could

quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that

commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was

good, I had great peace in my conscience; and should think with

myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it

in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please God better

than I.'

36. 'But poor wretch as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus

Christ, and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had

perished therein, had not God, in mercy, showed me more of my state

of nature."

[HIS CONVERSION AND PAINFUL EXERCISES OF MIND,

PREVIOUS TO HIS JOINING THE CHURCH AT BEDFORD.]

37. But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to

Bedford, to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I

came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door in the

sun, and talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear

them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a

brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may say, I

heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my reach;

for their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts,

also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they

talked how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus,

and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted,

and supported against the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they

reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and

told to each other by which they had been afflicted, and how they were

borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own

wretchedness of heart, of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and

abhor their own righteousness, as filthy and insufficient to do them any

good.

38. And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they

spake with such pleasantness of Scripture language, and with such

appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had

found a new world,[18] as if they were people that dwelt alone, and

were not to be reckoned among their neighbours (Num 23:9).

39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my

condition to be nought; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion

and salvation, the new birth did never enter into my mind, neither knew

I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and

treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no

notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were,

nor how they were to be withstood and resisted, &c.

40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I

left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and

discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was

greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was

convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also

because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of

him that was such a one.[19]

41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and

again into the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away;

and the more I went amongst them, the more  did question my

condition; and as I still do remember, presently I found two things

within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering

what a blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before I

was; the one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which

caused me to fall under the conviction of what by Scripture they

asserted; and the other was a great bending in my mind to a continual

meditating on it, and on all other good things which at any time I heard

or read of.

42. 'By these things' my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a horse

leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, give (Prov 30:15); yea, it was so

fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of heaven, that

is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little; that

neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loosen

it, or make it let go his hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet

it is in very deed a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for

me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it

often since to get it again from earth to heaven.'

43. 'One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to

whom my heart before was knit more than to any other, but he being a

most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoring, I now

shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year

after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he

did; he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, He was well.

But, Harry, said I, why do you swear and curse thus? What will become

of you, if you die in this condition? He answered me in a great chafe,

What would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as I am?'

44. 'About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put forth

by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by

several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make a

judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon

them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should betake myself to hearty

prayer in this manner: O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the

truth from error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to

approve of, or condemn this doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise

it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul, in this

matter, only at thy foot; let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech thee.

I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was the

poor man that I spoke of before; but about this time he also turned a

most devilish Ranter,[20] and gave himself up to all manner of

filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there was a

God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety.

When I laboured to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh the more,

and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could never

light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a little time I should

see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. Wherefore,

abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith, and

became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.'

45. 'Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling lying

in the country, I happened to light into several people's company, who,

though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these

Ranters. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me

as legal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection

that could do what they would, and not sin. Oh! These temptations

were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man, and my nature in its

prime; but God, who had, as I hope, designed me for better things, kept

me in the fear of his name, and did not suffer me to accept of such

cursed principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry

to him to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom; for I

have since seen even the effect of that prayer, in his preserving me not

only from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since.

The Bible was precious to me in those days.'

46. And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes,

and read as I never did before; and especially the epistles of the apostle

Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and, indeed, I was then never out

of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying out to God,

that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.

47. And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, 'To one is

given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of

knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith,' &c. (1 Cor 12:8,9).

And though, as I have since seen, that by this Scripture the Holy Ghost

intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten

with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that

understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word I

mused, and could not tell what to do, 'especially this word faith put me

to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I had

any faith or no'; for I feared that it shut me out of all the blessings that

other good people had give them of God;[21] but I was loath to

conclude I had no faith in my soul; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall

count myself a very cast-away indeed.

48. No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant

sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding

that other good people have; yet, at a venture, I will conclude I am not

altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is. For it was showed

me, and that too, as I have since seen, by Satan, that those who

conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in

their souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.

49. Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to see

my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and

destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my blind and sad

conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, 'insomuch' that I

might in this deceive myself, that I could not rest content, until I did

now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no; this

always running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But

how can you tell you have faith? 'and, besides, I saw for certain, if I had

not, I was sure to perish for ever.'

50. So that though I endeavoured at the first, to look over the business

of faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was willing

to put myself upon the trial, whether I had faith or no. But, alas, poor

wretch, so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew to this day no more

how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and

curious piece of art, which I never yet saw not considered.

51. Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my

plunge about it, for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter

broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider, the tempter

came in with his delusion, That there was no way for me to know I had

faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those Scriptures that

seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his

temptation. Nay, one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford, the

temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing of some

miracle: which miracle at that time was this, I must say to the puddles

that were in the horse pads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you the

puddles. And truly, one time I was agoing to say so indeed; but just as I

was about to speak, this thought came into my mind, But go under

yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able. But when I

had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me, That if I prayed, and

came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then

be sure I had no faith, but was a cast-away and lost. Nay, thought I, if it

be so, I will never try yet, but will stay a little longer.

52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith,

which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that, for the

present, I neither had it, nor yet, for time to come, were ever like to

have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and

so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.

53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at

Bedford was thus, in a dream or vision, represented to me. I saw, as if

they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing

themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering

and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds.

Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass

about this mountain; now, through this wall my soul did greatly desire

to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would go even into the very midst

of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.

54. About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still prying

as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might

enter therein; but none could I find for some time. At the last, I saw, as

it were, a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall, through which I

attempted to pass; but the passage being very strait and narrow, I made

many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well nigh quite

beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at

first did get in my head, and after that, by a sidling striving, my

shoulders, and my whole body; then was I exceeding glad, and went

and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light

and heat of their sun.

55. Now, this mountain and wall, &c., was thus made out to me—the

mountain signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone

thereon, the comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that were

therein; the wall, I thought, was the Word, that did make separation

between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in this

wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father

(John 14:6; Matt 7:14). But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful

narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter

in thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life, but those that

were in downright earnest,[22] and unless also they left this wicked

world behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not

for body and soul, and sin.[23]

56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time,

I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a

vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the

sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever I was, whether at home or

abroad, in house or field, and should also often, with lifting up of heart,

sing that of the 51st Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I

knew not where I was.

57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I

had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to

find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future

happiness; especially with such as these, Whether I was elected? But

how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?

58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;

sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to

speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,

that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and

though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so

offend and discourage me, that I was, especially at some times, as if the

very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and

power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all

my desires, "It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of

God that showeth mercy" (Rom 9:16).

59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently saw,

that unless the great God, of his infinite grace and bounty, had

voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,

and long and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.

Therefore, this would still stick with me, How can you tell that you are

elected? And what if you should not? How then?

60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you are

not, said the tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said

Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no further; for if, indeed,

you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your

being saved; "For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him that

runneth, but of God that showeth mercy."

61. By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to

say, or how to answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that

Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence,

thus to start the question; for, that the elect only attained eternal life,

that I, without scruple, did heartily close withal; but that myself was

one of them, there lay all the question.

62. Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and

perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink

where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been

so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I was now quite

giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence

fell with weight upon my spirit, "Look at the generations of old and

see; did ever any trust in the Lord, and was confounded?"

63. At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for

thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the

beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelation, and see if

you can find that there was ever any that trusted in the Lord, and was

confounded. So, coming home, I presently went to my Bible to see if I

could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it was

so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that I was as

if it talked with me.

64. Well, I looked, but I found it not ; only it abode upon me; then I did

ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was,

but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that such a sentence

should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize and

abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for I doubted not

but it was in holy Scripture.

65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at

last, casting my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in

Ecclesiasticus 2:10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but

because, by this time, I had got more experience of the love and

kindness of God, it troubled me the less; especially when I considered,

that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, yet

forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the

promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for

that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still, at times, shine

before my face.

66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But

how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have

over-stood the time of mercy? Now, I remember that one day, as I was

walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if

the day of grace be past? And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter

presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested

thus unto me, That these being converted already, they were all that

God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had

got the blessing before I came.

67. Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might

well be so; wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad

condition, counting myself far worse than a thousand fools, for

standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had

done; still crying out, Oh, that I had turned sooner; Oh, that I had

turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think

that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time till my soul

and heaven were lost.

68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able

to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my

other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, "Compel

them to come in, that my house may be filled"; "and yet there is room"

(Luke 14:22,23). These words, but especially them, "And yet there is

room" were sweet words to me; for, truly, I thought that by them I saw

there was place enough in heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the

Lord Jesus did speak these words, he then did think of me; and that he

knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear

that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before speak this

word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against

this vile temptations. 'This, I then verily believed.'

69. In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while;

and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus

should think on me so long ago, and that he should speak them words

on purpose for my sake; for I did then think, verily, that he did on

purpose speak them, to encourage me withal.

70. 'But I was not without my temptations to go back again;

temptations, I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal

acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound

sense of death and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were,

continually in my view; I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar,

of whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth (Dan

5:19). Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world,

one hour in hell fire would make him forget all. Which consideration

was a great help to me.'

71. 'I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning

the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts

were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the people of

God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children of the wicked

one. Now, I read that the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought I,

they show us we must feed upon the Word of God. They also parted the

hoof; I thought that signified we must part, if we would be saved, with

the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them I

found, that though we did chew the cud as the hare, yet if we walked

with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet if we

did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but

unclean; for I thought the here to be a type of those that talk of the

Word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that

parteth with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the Word of faith,

without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so

devout (Deut 14).' After this I found, by reading the Word, that those

that must be glorified with Christ in another world must be called by

him here; called to the partaking of a share in his Word and

righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of his spirit, and to a

peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed fore fit

the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.

72. Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do,

fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can

do me good? 'None but those who are effectually called, inherit the

kingdom of heaven.' But oh! how I now loved those words that spake

of a Christian's calling! as when the Lord said to one, "Follow me," and

to another, "Come after me." And oh! thought I, that he would say so to

me too, how gladly would I run after him!

73. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I

cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to

be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in

a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein.

Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what could I have given for it!

had I had a whole world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this,

that my soul might have been in a converted state.

74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be

converted men and women! they shone, they walked like a people that

carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was

fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage (Psa

16:6). But that which made me sick was that of Christ, in Mark, He

went up into a mountain and called to him whom he would, and they

came unto him (Mark 3:13).

75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul.

That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to

me, for he called "whom he would." But oh! the glory that I saw in that

condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldom read of any

that Christ did call but I presently wished, Would I had been in their

clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or

would I had been by and had heard him when he called them, how

would I have cried, O Lord, call me also. But oh! I feared he would not

call me.

76. And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and

showed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called

hereafter. But at last, after much time spent, and many groans to God,

that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that

Word came in upon me—"I will cleanse their blood that I have not

cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion" (Joel 3:21). These words I

thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God, and signified

unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come I might be in

truth converted unto Christ.[24]

77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in

Bedford, and to tell them my condition, which, when they had heard,

they told Mr. Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk

with me, and was willing to be 'well' persuaded of me, though I think

but from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should

hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with the soul;

from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time

began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my

wicked heart, for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it

began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for

wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and

corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me, in wicked

thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for

heaven and life began to fail. I found also, that whereas before my soul

was full of longing after God, now my heart began to hanker after

every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that

that was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it

would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was

as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from flying.

78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I further

from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink

greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my

heart as laid me low as hell. If now I should have burned at a stake, I

could not believe that Christ had love for me; alas, I could neither hear

him, nor see him, nor feel him, nor savour any of his things; I was

driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, the Canaanites

would dwell in the land.

79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which,

when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the

promises; but they had as good have told me that I must reach the sun

with my finger as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promise; and

as soon as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling was against

me; and I saw I had a heart that would sin, and 'that' lay under a law

that would condemn.

80. These things have often made me think of that child which the

father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet a coming to him, was

thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him that he lay

and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9:42; Mark 9:20).

81. Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up against

the Lord, and against his holy Word. I have found my unbelief to set, as

it were, the shoulder to the door to keep him out, and that too even

then, when I have with many a bitter sigh cried, Good Lord, break it

open; Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron

asunder (Psa 107:16). Yet that word would sometimes create in my

heart a peaceable pause, "I girded thee, though thou hast not known

me" (Isa 45:5).

82. But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender

than now; I durst not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a straw,

for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch; I

could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace

them. Oh, how gingerly[25] did I then go in all I did or said! I found

myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir; and 'was' there left

both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.

83. 'But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before conversion,

yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon

me; only he showed me I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had

been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me

without fault before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be

found, but in the person of Jesus Christ.'

84. 'But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and

my affliction; that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself

within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I

was more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad; and I thought I

was so in God's eyes too; sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally

bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain. I

thought now that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have

changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself

could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell,

therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply into despair; for I

concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state

of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to

the devil, and to a reprobate mind; and thus I continued a long while,

even for some years together.'

85. 'While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,

there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I

saw old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live

here always; the other was, when I found professors much distressed

and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband,

wife, child, &c. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little

things as these! What seeking after carnal things by some, and what

grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and

spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be

bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is

damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of

it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread

and water; I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear

them as little burdens. "A wounded spirit who can bear?"'

86. And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the

sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let

this sight and sense go quite off my mind; for I found, that unless guilt

of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of

Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than

better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that

the blood of Christ might take it off; and if it was going off without it

(for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite

away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by

bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire upon my spirits; and should

cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right way, but by the blood

of Christ, and by the application of thy mercy, through him, to my soul;

for that Scripture lay much upon me, "without shedding of blood is no

remission" (Heb 9:22). And that which made me the more afraid of this

was, because I had seen some, who, though when they were under

wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray; but they seeking

rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared

not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind; and,

therefore, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto

them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their

trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God 'the more,' that

it might not be so with me.

87. And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I

was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all

the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I

counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.

88. 'Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much

goodness of heart, as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man

indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible

world; but by sin he had made himself the most ignoble. The beasts,

birds, fishes, &c., I blessed their condition, for they had not a sinful

nature, they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to

go to hell fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my

condition been as any of theirs.'

89. In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time

was come, I heard one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song

(4:1), "Behold thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair." But at that

time he made these two words, "My love," his chief and subject matter;

from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these

several conclusions: 1. That the church, and so every saved soul, is

Christ's love, when loveless. 2. Christ's love without a cause. 3. Christ's

love when hated of the world. 4. Christ's love when under temptation,

and under desertion. 5. Christ's love from first to last.

90. But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to

the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; If it

be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love when under temptation and

desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted and afflicted

with temptation, and the hidings of God's face, yet think on these two

words, "My love," still.

91. So as I was a going home, these words came again into my

thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart,

What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no

sooner passed through my heart, but the words began thus to kindle in

my spirit, "Thou art my love, thou art my love," twenty times together;

and still as they ran thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer,

and began to make me look up; but being as yet between hope and fear,

I still replied in my heart, But is it true, but is it true? At which, that

sentence fell in upon me, He "wist not that it was true which was done

by the angel" (Acts 12:9).

92. Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did over

and over make this joyful sound within my soul, thou art my love, thou

art my love; and nothing shall separate thee from my love; and with

that (Rom 8:39) came into my mind: Now was my heart filled full of

comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be

forgiven me; 'yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God,

that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home; I thought

I could have spoken of his love, and of his mercy to me, even to the

very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been

capable to have understood me'; wherefore I said in my soul, with

much gladness, well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write

this down before I go any further, for surely I will not forget this forty

years hence; but, alas! within less than forty days, I began to question

all again; 'which made me begin to question all still.'

93. Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true

manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life

and savour of it. Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much

followed by this scripture, "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired

to have you" (Luke 22:31). And sometimes it would sound so loud

within me, yea, and as it were call so strongly after me, that once above

all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that

some man had, behind me, called to me; being at a great distance,

'methought he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since, to have

stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me

that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it

not.'[26]

94. 'Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the

last time that it sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still with what

a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I

thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me,

that was half a mile behind me; and although that was not my name, yet

it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so

loud meant me.'

95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this

sound; which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from

heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming;

only it would make me muse and wonder in my mind, to think what

should be the reason that this scripture, and that at this rate, so often

and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears; but, as I

said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.

96. For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down

upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with

before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another;

first, all my comfort was taken from me, then darkness seized upon me,

after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and

the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and

astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up

questions in me, against the very being of God, and of his only beloved

Son; as, whether there were, in truth, a God, or Christ, or no? and

whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story,

than the holy and pure Word of God?

97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, how can you tell

but that the Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the

Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so

many ten thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, should be

without the knowledge of the right way to heaven; if there were indeed

a heaven, and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should

alone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religion

rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans! and how if all our faith, and

Christ, and Scriptures, should be but a think-so too?

98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions,

and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but, alas!

I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return

again upon me, Though we made so great a matter of Paul, and of his

words, yet how could I tell, but that in very deed, he being a subtle and

cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions;

and also take both that pains and travel, to undo and destroy his

fellows.

99. These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not,

nor dare not utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure

upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number,

continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but

these from morning to night within me; and as though, indeed, there

could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in

very wrath to my soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with

them, as with a mighty whirlwind.

100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there was

something in me, that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I

then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle,

otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations, would

drown and overflow; and as it were, bury all such thoughts or the

remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I

should often find my mind suddenly put upon it, to curse and swear, or

to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ his Son, and of the

Scriptures.[27]

101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times

again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding

and magnifying God the Lord with others, if I have but heard him

spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other,

would bolt out of my heart against him; so that whether I did think that

God was, or again did think there were no such thing; no love, nor

peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.

102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded,

that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved

God. I often, when these temptations have been with force upon me,

did compare myself in the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath

by force took up under her apron,[28] and is carrying from friend and

country; kick sometimes I did, and also scream and cry; but yet I was as

bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me

away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him;

and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his (1

Sam 16:14).

103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin

against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire

to sin that sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be

quiet until I had committed that; now, no sin would serve but that; if it

were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as

if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and

in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have

been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from

opening; and to that end also I have had thoughts at other times, to leap

with my head downward, into some muck hill hole or other, to keep my

mouth from speaking.

104. Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the

estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful

state of mine, and such as my companions was; yea, gladly would I

have been in the condition of dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul

to perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was like

to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces

with it, yet that which added to my sorrow was, that I could not find

that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also

tear and rend my soul, in the midst of these distractions, "The wicked

are like the troubled sea when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire

and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked" (Isa

57:20,21).

105. 'And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have

given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor

sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that

this should be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin;

and others, again, could rejoice, and bless God for Christ; and others,

again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember, the Word of

God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me; I

thought my condition was alone. I should, therefore, much bewail my

hard hap; but get out of, or get rid of, these things, I could not.'

106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could

attend upon none of the ordinances of God but with sore and great

affliction. Yea, then was I most distressed with blasphemies; if I have

been hearing the Word, then uncleanness, blasphemies, and despair

would hold me as captive there; if I have been reading, then,

sometimes, I had sudden thoughts to question all I read; sometimes,

again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and possessed

with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor

remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.

107. In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time;

sometimes I have thought I should see the devil, nay, thought I have

felt him, behind me, pull my clothes; he would be, also, continually at

me in the time of prayer to have done; break off, make haste, you have

prayed enough, and stay no longer, still drawing my mind away.

Sometimes, also, he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these: that I

must pray to him, or for him. I have thought sometimes of that—Fall

down, or, "if thou wilt fall down and worship me" (Matt 4:9).

108. Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of

this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God,

then, with great force, hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and

confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and

fancy the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray

to those; to these he would, also, at some times especially, so hold my

mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing

else but to these, or such as they.

109. Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting

apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of his gospel; but, oh!

how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with inexpressible

groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with

pangs after God that he would be merciful unto me; but then I should

be daunted again with such conceits as these; I should think that God

did mock at these, my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the

holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after me as if I had

nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor

fool![29] how art thou deceived! It is not for such as thee to have a

favour with the Highest.

110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such

discouragements as these—You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool

you; this frame shall not last always; many have been as hot as you for

a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal. And with this, such and such

who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes. Then I should be

afraid that I should do so too; but, thought I, I am glad this comes into

my mind. Well, I will watch, and take what heed I can. Though you do,

said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly, by

degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be seven

years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will

lull a crying child asleep. I will ply it close, but I will have my end

accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, yet, if I can pull

you from this fire, I shall have you cold before it be long.

111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could

not find myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long would

make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear

even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the

need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and

thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make

me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like her who

met with the adulterer (Deut 22:27); in which days that was a good

word to me after I had suffered these things a while: "I am persuaded

that neither - height, nor depth, nor life," &c., "shall – separate us from

the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus" (Rom 8:38). And now I

hoped long life should not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.

112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then

all questioned by me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was

something to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that

chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we

could, yet we should cry unto God, "My Father, thou art the guide of

my youth"; and should return unto him.

113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 5:21:

"For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might

be made the righteousness of God in him." I remember, also, that one

day as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at the

consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my

mind, What ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and

abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? that word came suddenly

upon me, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us,

who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31). That, also, was an help unto me,

"Because I live, ye shall live also" (John 14:19). But these were but

hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only

they lasted not; but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up

from me to heaven again (Acts 10:16).

114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover

himself unto me; and, indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the

guilt that, by these things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from

the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put

into my right mind again, as other Christians were.

115. I remember that one day, as I was traveling into the country and

musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering

of the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came in my mind,

He hath "made peace through the blood of his cross" (Col 1:20). By

which I was made to see, both again, and again, and again, that day,

that God and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw that the

justice of God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other

through this blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall not forget

it.

116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on

my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,

"Forasmuch, then, as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he

also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might

destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver

them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to

bondage" (Heb 2:14,15). I thought that the glory of these words was

then so weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready to swoon

as I sat; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.

[BUNYAN ATTENDS THE MINISTRY OF MR. GIFFORD, AND

BECOMES INTENSELY EARNEST TO UNDERSTAND THE

DOCTRINES OF THE GOSPEL.]

117. At this time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford,

whose doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability.[30] This

man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all

those false and unsound rests that, by nature, we are prone to take and

make to our souls. He pressed us to take special heed that we took not

up any truth upon trust—as from this, or that, or any other man or

men—but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the

reality thereof, and set us down therein, by his own Spirit, in the holy

Word; for, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations come, if

strongly, you, not having received them with evidence from heaven,

will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you

thought you had.

118. This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in

their season; for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of

these his words; for I had felt [what] no man can say, especially when

tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the Holy Ghost.

Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this

doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertained to

God's glory and my own eternal happiness, he would suffer me to be

without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly

there was an exceeding different betwixt the notions of flesh and blood,

and the revelations of God in heaven; also, a great difference between

that faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and of that

which comes by a man's being born thereto of God (Matt 16:15-17; 1

John 5:1).

119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God!

even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and

second coming from heaven to judge the world.

120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very

good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not anything that I

then cried unto God to make known and reveal unto me but he was

pleased to do it for me; I mean not one part of the gospel of the Lord

Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Methought I saw with great

evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work

of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from his conception and birth

even to his second coming to judgment, Methought I was as if I had

seen him born, as if I had seen him grow up, as if I had seen him walk

through this world, from the cradle to his cross; to which, also, when he

came, I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed on it

for my sins and wicked doings. Also, as I was musing on this, his

progress, that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter

(1 Peter 1:19,20).

121. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection, and have

remembered that word, "Touch me not, Mary," &c., I have seen as if he

leaped at the grave's mouth for joy that he was risen again, and had got

the conquest over our dreadful foes (John 20:17). I have also, in the

spirit, seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me, and

have seen the manner of his coming from heaven to judge the world

with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures

following, Acts 1:9, 10, 7:56, 10:42; Hebrews 7:24, 8:3; Revelation

1:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:17, 18.

122. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was

both man as well as God, and God as well as man; and truly, in those

days, let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from

heaven, all was as nothing to me, I counted not myself set down in any

truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not

tell how to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of the Revelation came

into my mind, "And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of

the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb." In the

midst of the throne, 'thought I,' there is his Godhead; in the midst of the

elders, there is his manhood; but oh! methought this did glister! it was a

goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also

did help me much in this, "To us a child is born, unto us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be

called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father,

the Prince of Peace," &c. (Isa 9:6).

123. Also, besides these teachings of God in his Word, the Lord made

use of two things to confirm me in these things; the one was the errors

of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers

did oppose his truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading

me into the scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it.[31]

124. 'The errors that this people then maintained were, 1. That the holy

Scriptures were not the Word of God. 2. That every man in the world

had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, &c. 3. That Christ Jesus, as

crucified, and dying 1600 years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for

the sins of the people. 4. That Christ's flesh and blood was within the

saints. 5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the

churchyard shall not arise again. 6. That the resurrection is past with

good men already. 7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between

two thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem,

was not ascended up above the starry heavens. 8. That he should not,

even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at

the last day, and as man judge all nations, &c.'

125. 'Many more vile and abominable things were in those days

fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of

the Scriptures, and was, through their light and testimony, not only

enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth'; and, as I

said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that would come

upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again,

and that too, sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends! cry to God

to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like him.

126. It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in particular

how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how he did,

that he might so do, lead me into his words; yea, and also how he did

open them unto me, make them shine before me, and cause them to

dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of his

own being, and the being of his Son, and Spirit, and Word, and gospel.

127. Only this, as I said before I will say unto you again, that in general

he was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be

afflicted with temptation concerning them, and then reveal them to me:

as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the

ground therewith, and then the Lord would show me the death of

Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with his blood, that I should

find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience where but just

now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the

peace and love of God through Christ.

128. Now had I an evidence, 'as I thought, of my salvation' from

heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now

could I remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace,

with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were

come, that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight, and joy, and

communion with him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face

was spit on, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins:

for whereas, before, I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell,

now methought I was got so far therefrom that I could not, when I

looked back, scarce discern it; and, oh! thought I, that I were fourscore

years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to

rest.[32]

129. 'But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did

greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ

some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in

our days, I thought, but I desire them now to pardon me, that they had

writ only that which others felt, or else had, through the strength of

their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived

others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the

deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God in whose

hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one day, a book

of Martin Luther; it was his comment on the Galatians—it also was so

old that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over.

Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my

hands; the which, when I had but a little way perused, I found my

condition, in his experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if

his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel; for

thus thought I, This man could not know anything of the state of

Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of

former days.'

130. 'Besides, he doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the

rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like;

showing that the law of Moses as well as the devil, death, and hell hath

a very great hand therein, the which, at first, was very strange to me;

but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars

here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must let fall before all men,

I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians, excepting the

Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have seen, as most fit for a

wounded conscience.'

131. 'And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh!

methought my soul cleaved unto him, my affections cleaved unto him. I

felt love to him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I thought I should

die in my nest; but I did quickly find that my great love was but little,

and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ,

could let him go again for a very trifle; God can tell how to abase us,

and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to

purpose.'

132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered

me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so

sweetly in the faith of his holy gospel, and had given me such strong

consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in

his love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with

a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.

133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to

exchange him for the things of this life, for anything. The temptation

lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually

that I was not rid of it one day in a month, no, not sometimes one hour

in many days together, unless 'when' I was asleep.

134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who

were once effectually in Christ, as I hoped, through his grace, I had

seen myself, could never lose him for ever—for "the land shall not be

sold for ever, for the land is mine," saith God (Lev 25:23)[33]—yet it

was a continual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as

one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for

me as he had done; 'and yet then I had almost none others, but such

blasphemous ones.'

135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and

endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the

continuation, or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost

whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith in such sort that I could

neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to

look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, Sell Christ for

this, or sell Christ for that; 'sell him, sell him.'

136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred

times together, Sell him, sell him, sell him; against which I may say,

for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually

leaning and forcing my spirit against it, least haply, before I were

aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent

thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had

consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days

together.

137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should and some

times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the

very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this

wickedness, my very body also would be put into action or motion by

way of pushing or thrusting 'with my hands or elbows,' still answering

as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I

will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus

reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults, set too low a

value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be

composed began.

138. 'At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but,

forsooth, when I was set at table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I

must leave my food now, and just now, so counterfeit holy also would

this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I should say in myself, Now I

am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now, or

you will displease God, and despised Christ. Wherefore I was much

afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature,

imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny to

do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as guilty, because I did

not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God

indeed.'

139. But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at

other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part

with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, sell him,

sell him, sell him, sell him, ' sell him,' as fast as a man could speak;

against which also, in my mind, as and other times, I answered, No, no,

not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together.

But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I

felt this thought pass through my heart, Let him go, if he will! and I

thought also, that I felt my heart ' freely' consent thereto. 'Oh, the

diligence of Satan! [34] Oh, the desperateness of man's heart!'

140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot

from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting

out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as

heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where, for the space of

two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as now past all recovery,

and bound over to eternal punishment.

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, "Or profane

person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye

know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing,

he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, so he sought it

carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).

142. 'Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut out unto the judgment

to  come; nothing now for two years together would abide with me, but

damnation, and an expectation of damnation; I say, nothing now would

abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the

sequel you will see.'

143. These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in the

continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about

ten or eleven o'clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge, full of

sorrow in guilt, God knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard hap,

that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly this sentence

bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a

stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, begin, "The

blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).

144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, in methought I saw as

if the tempter did leer[35] and steal away from me, as being ashamed of

what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of

Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood

of Christ, was no more to it, then this little clot or stone before me, is to

this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good

encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,

methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins; but

because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding

guilt again.

145. 'But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau's

selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the

week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so

that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn

me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still that sentence would be

sounding in me, "For ye know, how that afterward, when he would

have inherited the blessing - he found no place of repentance, though he

sought it carefully with tears."'

146. Sometimes also, [36] I should have a touch from that in Luke

22:32, "I have prayed for the, that thy faith fail not"; but it would not

abide upon me; neither could I indeed, when I considered my state, find

ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that

grace within me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent

in heavy case, for many days together.

147. Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature

and largeness of my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I could in

any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence by

which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that third of

Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the

sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place,

methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the

pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought

it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who

had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are

mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy,

but that had, both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I

had done.

148. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin

unpardonable, of which he there thus speaketh. "But he they shall

blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in

danger of eternal damnation" (Mark 3:29). And I did the rather give

credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews common "For ye

know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing,

he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought

it carefully with tears." 'And this stuck always with me.'

149. 'And now was I both the burden and a terror to myself, nor did I

ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid

to die. Oh, how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself!

Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine own! for there was

nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was

impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved

from wrath to come.'

150. And now began I to labour to call again time that was past;

wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come,

when I should be tempted to such a sin! concluding with great

indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather

have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto. But, alas!

these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help

me; the thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am

fallen. Oh! thought I, "that it was with me as in months past, as in the

days when God preserved me!" [Job 29:2]

151. Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to

compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those that

were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David's adultery

and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too

committed after light and grace received; but yet but considering, I

perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law

of Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his

Word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the

Mediator thereof; 'I had sold my Saviour.'

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel,[37] when I

considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so

void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this?

Must it needs be the great transgression? (Psa 19:13) Must that wicked

one touch my soul? (1 John 5:18) Oh, what stings did I find in all these

sentences!

153. 'What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one

sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be

guilty of that? Must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so

many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I

commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man! These things would

so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I

thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to

aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, "Ye know how that

afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected."

Oh! none knows the terrors of those days but myself.'

154. After this I came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in

denying his master; and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any that I

could find; for he had denied his Saviour, as I, and that after light and

mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also

considered, that he did both once and twice; and that, after time to

consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together,

that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was

but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour.

Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than

either to David or Peter.

155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflicte me; yea, it

would grind me, as it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of

God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus

considering of other men's sins, and comparing of them with my own, I

could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their

wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son

of perdition.

156. But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that

God did set about his people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk,

whom God had hedge in! They were within his care, protection, and

special providence; though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet

because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the

range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would not

preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate,

to fall as I had done. Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God's

keeping his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort

me, but to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the

Lord had blessed.

157. 'Now I saw, that as God had his hand in all providences and

dispensations that overtook his elect, so he had his hand in all the

temptations that they had to sin against him, not to animate them unto

wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and

also to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as might not destroy,

but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the

way off the renewing of his mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what

kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe

and dreadful of all God's ways to his people! He would let David,

Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but he would not let them

fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be

the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though he

chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by him, and them whom he

makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these

thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now

thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept his own,

that was killing to me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that

was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do

good to them that were the called, according to his purpose; so I

thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal

overthrow.'

158. Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that,

if possible, I might find that mine differed from that which, in truth, is

unpardonable. And, oh! thought I, if it 'should differ from it,' though

but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And,

by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally, but mine was

against my  'prayer and' strivings; besides, his was committed with

much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden; 'all this

while' I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and driven from trouble

to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and of

the dreadful consequences thereof.

159. Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin was, for a while, some

little relief unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances,

transgressed so foully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for, I

thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit the

unpardonable sin; ‘also I thought’ that there might be degrees of that, as

well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for ought I yet could

perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed

by.

160. ‘I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man

as Judas; I thought, also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints

at the day of judgment; insomuch, that now I could scarce see a good

man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart

tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in

walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience

before him.’

161. ‘I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by

receiving some false opinion; as that there should be no such thing as a

day of judgment, that we should not rise again, and that sin was no such

grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For if these things should

indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you ease for the

present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much before

hand; drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing

your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters do use

to help themselves withal.’

162. ‘But, oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as

it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view!

Methought the judge stood at the door, I was as if it was come already;

so that such things could have no entertainment. But, methinks, I see by

this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he

loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness,

and error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.’

163. ‘I found it hard work now to pray to God, because despair was

swallowing me up; I thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away

from God, for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come

in, It is too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my correction,

but condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning

Esau, how that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have received

the blessing, but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that

dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira;[38] a book that

was to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound;

every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of

his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth,

his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and pining

away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as knives

and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to

me, Man knows the beginning of sin, but who bounds the issues

thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall

like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; “for you know how

that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was

rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it

carefully with tears.”’

164. Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at

sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well

as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful

judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most

fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my

stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some

times, as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I thought of

that concerning Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder, and

all his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).

165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain,

even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he

had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind,

and twine, and shrink, under the burden that was upon me; which

burden also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor

lie, either at rest or quiet.

166. Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath

received gifts for the rebellious (Psa 68:18). “The rebellious,” thought

I; why, surely they are such as once were under subjection to their

prince, even those who, after they have sworn subjection to his

government, have taken up arms against him; ‘and this, thought I, is my

very condition; once I loved him, feared him, served him; but now I am

a rebel; I have sold him, I have said, Let him go if he will; but yet he

has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?’

167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold

thereof, that some, though small, refreshment might have been

conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire, I was driven

with force beyond it, ‘I was’ like a man that is going to the place of

execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide

himself, but may not.

168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in

particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think

thus with myself: Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine

alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement? For if

mine, though bigger than any one, yet should but be equal to all, then

there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough ‘in it’ to wash

away all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away mine, though

this one be full as big, if no bigger, than all theirs. Here, again, I should

consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the

rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with

fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances:

but, alas! It was all in vain.[39]

169. ‘I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his

adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that

could not be done but by continuance and deliberate contrivance, which

was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me:

Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a

Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who

shall save you from that?’

170. ‘Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange

women, in falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in

doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received; but the

same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off

as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which

God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour, and there now

remained no more sacrifice for sin.’

171. ‘I would then add to those men’s sins, the sins of Manasseh, how

that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed

times, used enchantment, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his

familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and

made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents.

These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour; yea, it would

turn again upon me: They are none of them of the nature of yours; you

have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.’

172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was

point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in

my heart said of him, Let him go if he will. Oh! methought, this sin was

bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world,

no one pardonable, nor all of them together, was able to equal mine;

mine outwent them every one.

173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a

dreadful judge; yet this was my torment, I could not escape his hand:

“It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Heb

10:31). But blessed be his grace, that scripture, in these flying sins,[40]

would call as running after me, “I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy

transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me, for I have

redeemed thee” (Isa 44:22). This, I say, would come in upon my mind,

when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from his face,

that is, my mind and spirit fled before him; by reason of his highness, I

could not endure; then would the text cry, “Return unto me”; it would

cry aloud with a very great voice, “Return unto me, for I have

redeemed thee.” Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as

it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that

the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in his hand, but I could

no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that

sentence, “For you know how that afterwards, when he would have

inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he

sought it carefully with tears.” Wherefore I could not return, but fled,

though at sometimes it cried, “Return, return,” as if it did holloa after

me. But I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from

God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, “For

you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the

blessing, he was rejected,” &c.

174. ‘Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop,

bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with

self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting, also,

this hard hap of mine, for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly

fearing I should not be pardoned; praying, also, in my heart, that if this

sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would

show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was,

as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but

very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever refuse to be

justified by the blood of Christ? And, withal my whole life and

profession past was, in a moment, opened to me, wherein I was made to

see that designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly, No.

then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, “See that ye refuse

not him that speaketh” (Heb 12:25). This made a strange seizure upon

my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart

of all those tumultuous thoughts that before did use, like masterless

hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make a hideous noise within me. It

showed me, also, that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy

for me, that he had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my

soul; yea, this was a kind of a chide for my proneness to desperation; a

kind of a threatening me if I did not, notwithstanding my sins and the

heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as

to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was I knew

not; or from whence it came I know not. I have not yet, in twenty years’

time, been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what here I

shall be loath to speak. But verily, that sudden rushing wind was as if

an angel had come upon me; but both it and the salvation I will leave

until the day of judgment; only this I say, it commanded a great calm in

my soul, it persuaded me there might be hope; it showed me, as I

thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the

blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But, I say,

concerning this dispensation, I know not what yet to say unto it; which

was, also, in truth, the cause that, at first, I did not speak of it in the

book; I do now, also, leave it to be thought on by men of sound

judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the

Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet, seeing I am here unfolding of my secret

things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also

show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did

experience it. This lasted, in the savour of it, for about three or four

days, and the I began to mistrust and to despair again.’[41]

175. ‘Wherefore, still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing

which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast

itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But, oh! it was

hard for me now to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercy,

against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; it was hard work, I say, to

offer to look him in the face against whom I had so vilely sinned; and,

indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after

backsliding from him, as to do any other thing. Oh, the shame that did

now attend me! especially when I thought I am now a-going to pray to

him for mercy that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was

ashamed, yea, even confounded, because this villany had been

committed by me; but I saw there was but one way with me, I must go

to him and humble myself unto him, and beg that he, of his wonderful

mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched

sinful soul.’

176. ‘Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me,

That I ought not to pray to God; for prayer was not for any in my case,

neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by

whom all prayer came with acceptance to God the Father, and without

whom no prayer could come into his presence. Wherefore, now to pray

is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is

the next way to anger and offend him more than you ever did before.’

177. ‘For God, saith he, hath been weary of you for these several years

already, because you are none of his; your bawlings in his ears hath

been no pleasant voice to him; and, therefore, he let you sin this sin,

that you might be quite cut off; and will you pray still? This the devil

urged, and set forth that, in Numbers, when Moses said to the children

of Israel, That because they would not go up to posses the land when

God would have them, therefore, for ever after, God did bar them out

from thence, though they prayed they might, with tears (Num

14:36,37), &c.’

178. ‘As it is said in another place (Exo 21:14), the man that sins

presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar, that he may die; even

as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there (1

Kings 2:28), &c. These places did pinch me very sore; yet, my case

being desperate, I thought with myself I can but die; and if it must be

so, it shall once be said, that such an one died at the foot of Christ in

prayer.[42] This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and

that because, together with this, still that saying about Esau would be

set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree

of life, lest I should taste thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a

thing I found it to come to God in prayer.’

179. ‘I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I

feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in

my soul to think that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that

God had said those words to them that he once did say to the prophet

concerning the children of Israel, “Pray not thou for this people,” for I

have rejected them (Jer 11:14). So, pray not for him, for I have rejected

him. Yea, I thought that he had whispered this to some of them already,

only they durst not tell me so, neither durst I ask them of it, for fear, if

it should be so, it would make me quite besides myself. Man knows the

beginning of sin, said Spira, but who bounds the issues thereof?’

180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an

ancient Christian, and told him all my case; I told him, also, that I was

afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me

he thought so too. Here, therefore, I had but cold comfort; but, talking a

little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to

much combat with the devil. Wherefore, I went to God again, as well as

I could, for mercy still.

181. Now, also, did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery,

saying, that, seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked

him to displeasure, who would have stood between my soul and the

flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way, and that was, to

pray that God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt his Son and

me, that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that

blessed benefit in him that his blessed saints enjoyed.

182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and

who can turn him? Oh! I saw it was as easy to persuade him to make a

new world, a new covenant, or new Bible, besides that we have

already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade him that what

he had done already was mere folly, and persuade with him to alter,

yea, to disannul, the whole way of salvation; and then would that

saying rend my soul asunder, “Neither is there salvation in any other:

for there is none other name under heaven, given among men, whereby

we must be saved” (Acts 4:12).

183. ‘Now, the most free, and full, and gracious words of the gospel

were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me as the

thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had

cast him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it to

mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this. Every time that I

thought of the Lord Jesus, of his grace, love, goodness, kindness,

gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises and blessed exhortations,

comforts and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still,

unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would

make place for themselves in my heart; aye, this is the Jesus, the loving

Saviour, the Son of God, whom thou hast parted with, whom you

slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Saviour, the only

Redeemer, the only one that could so love sinners as to wash them from

their sins in his own most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot

in this Jesus, you have put him from you, you have said in your heart,

Let him go if he will. Now, therefore, you are severed from him; you

have severed yourself from him. Behold, then, his goodness, but

yourself to be no partaker of it. Oh, thought I, what have I lost! What

have I parted with! What have I disinherited my poor soul of! Oh! it is

sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb,

the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer (Rev 6).[43] I also trembled, as I

have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that

greatly loved him, and that made it their business to walk continually

with him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages,

and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their

precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual

affliction and shame unto my soul. The dread of them was upon me,

and I trembled at God’s Samuels (1 Sam 16:4).’

184. Now, also, the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way,

saying that Christ, indeed, did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss;

but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed, as I had done, he could

by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared; for my sin was

not of the nature of theirs for whom he bled and died, neither was it

counted with those that were laid to his charge when he hanged on the

tree. Therefore, unless he should come down from heaven and die anew

for this sin, though, indeed, he did greatly pity me, yet I could have no

benefit of him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as

ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most

tormenting cogitations; every of them augmented my misery, that Jesus

Christ should have so much love as to pity me when he could not help

me; nor did I think that the reason why he could not help me was

because his merits were weak, or his grace and salvation spent on them

already, but because his faithfulness to his threatening would not let

him extend his mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already

hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon that was

wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was

more easy for heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have

eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from

a steadfast belief that I had of the stability of the holy Word of God,

and also, from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.

185. But, oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I

should be guilty of such a sin for which he did not die. These thoughts

would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that

I knew not what to do; but, oh! thought I, that he would come down

again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by

Christ! How would I pray him and entreat him to count and reckon this

sin amongst the rest for which he died! But this scripture would strike

me down as dead, “Christ being raised from the death dieth no more;

death hath no more dominion over him” (Rom 6:9).[44]

186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, was my

soul, like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed

sometimes headlong into despair, sometimes upon the covenant of

works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the

conditions thereof, might, so far forth as I thought myself concerned, be

turned another way and changed. But in all these I was but as those that

justle against the rocks; more broken, scattered, and rent. Oh, the

unthought of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors that are affected

by a thorough application of guilt, yielded to desperation! This is the

man that hath “his dwelling among the tombs” with the dead; that is,

always crying out and “cutting himself with stones” (Mark 5:2-5). But I

say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will

not save him; nay, heaven and earth shall pass away before one jot or

tittle of the Word and law of grace shall fall or be removed. This I saw,

this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby,

namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation,

and that the Scriptures were the Word of God! Oh! I cannot now

express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the

rock of man’s salvation; what was done could not be undone, added to,

nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ,

even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven,

for the Word would shut him out.

187. Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day

I walked to a neighbouring town, and sat down upon a settle in the

street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my

sin had brought me to; and, after long musing, I lifted up my head, but

methought I saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to

give light, and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the

houses, did bend themselves against me; methought that they all

combined together to banish me out of the world; I was abhorred of

them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits,

because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy, now, was

every creature over [what] I was; for they stood fast and kept their

station, but I was gone and lost.

188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said ‘to myself,’

with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch as I? I had

no sooner said it but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a

voice, This sin is not unto death. At which I was as if I had been raised

out of a grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldest thou find out

such a word as this? for I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and,

also, at the unexpectedness of the sentence, ‘the fitness of the Word, the

rightness of the timing of it, the power, and sweetness, and light, and

glory that came with it, also, was marvelous to me to find. I was now,

for the time, out of doubt as to that about which I so much was in doubt

before; my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so

that I had no right to pray, to repent, &c., or that if I did, it would be of

no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this sin is not unto

death, then it is pardonable; therefore, from this I have encouragement

to come to God, by Christ, for mercy, to consider the promise of

forgiveness as that which stands with open arms to receive me, as well

as others. This, therefore, was a great easement to my mind; to wit, that

my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1 John

5:16,17). None but those that know what my trouble, by their own

experience, was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this

consideration; it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a

shelter from my former storm. I seemed now to stand upon the same

ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the Word and

prayer as any of them.’[45]

189. Now, ‘I say,’ I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but

that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But, oh, how

Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could

by no means do it, neither this day nor the most part of the next, for this

sentence stood like a mill post at my back; yet, towards the evening of

the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me and to withdraw its

supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with

a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of

despair; ‘nor could my faith now longer retain this word.’

190. But the next day, at evening, being under many fears, I went to

seek the Lord; and as I prayed, I cried, ‘and my soul cried’ to him in

these words, with strong cries:--O Lord, I beseech thee, show me that

thou hast loved me with everlasting love (Jer 31:3). I had no sooner

said it but, with sweetness, this returned upon me, as an echo or

sounding again, “I have loved thee with an everlasting love.” Now I

went to bed at quiet; also, when I awaked the next morning, it was fresh

upon my soul—‘and I believed it.’

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an

hundred times that he that day did labour to break my peace. Oh! the

combats and conflicts that I did then meet with as I strove to hold by

this word; that of Esau would fly in my face like to lightning. I should

be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour, yet God did bear

me up and keep my heart upon this word, from which I had also, for

several days together, very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of

pardon; for thus it was made out to me, I loved thee whilst thou wast

committing this sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love

thee for ever.

192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not

but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had

horribly abused the holy Son of God; wherefore I felt my soul greatly

to love and pity him, and my bowels to yearn towards him; for I saw he

was still my Friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and

affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ

did work, at this time, such a strong and hot desire of revengement

upon myself for the abuse I had done unto him, that, to speak as then I

thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could

freely ‘then’ have spilt it all at the command and feet of this my Lord

and Saviour.

193. And as I was thus in musing and in my studies, ‘considering’ how

to love the Lord and to express my love to him, that saying came in

upon me, “If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall

stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared”

(Psa 130:3,4). These were good words to me,[46] especially the latter

part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that he

might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that he might be loved

and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, that the great God

did set so high an esteem upon the love of his poor creatures, that rather

than he would go without their love he would pardon their

transgressions.

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed

by it, Then shall they be ashamed and confounded, “and never open

their mouth any more because of their shame, when I am pacified

toward them for all that they have done, saith the Lord God” (Eze

16:63). Thus was my soul at this time, and, as I then did think, for ever,

set at liberty from being again afflicted with my former guilt and

amazement.

195. But before many weeks were over I began to despond again,

fearing lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that yet I might be

deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong

into my mind, that whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have

from the Word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found in

my refreshment a concurrence and agreement in the Scriptures, let me

think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no such

thing at the end; “for the Scripture cannot be broken” (John 10:35).

196. Now began my heart again to ache and fear I might meet with

disappointment at the last; wherefore I began, with all seriousness, to

examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had

sinned as I have done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness

of God, laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and

on which I had leaned myself. But now were brought those sayings to

my mind, “For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened,

and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the

Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of

the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto

repentance” (Heb 6:4-6). “For if we sin willfully after that we have

received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice

for sins, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery

indignation, which shall devour the adversaries” (Heb 10:26,27). Even

“as Esau, who, for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; for ye know

how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was

rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it

carefully with tears” (Heb 12:16,17).

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul, so that no

promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me; and

now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, “Rejoice not,

O Israel, for joy as other people” (Hosea 9:1). For I saw indeed there

was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but as for me, I had

cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold,

nor hand-hold, amongst all the stays and props in the precious word of

life.

198. And truly I did now feel myself to sink into a gulf, as an house

whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself, in this condition,

unto the case of a child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who, though it

could make some shift to scrabble and spraul in the water, yet because

it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die

in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul,

that scripture came into my heart, “This is for many days” (Dan 10:14).

And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought

to peace again, until well nigh two years and an half were completely

finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves they tended to

discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal,

they were at sometimes as an help and refreshment to me.

199. For, thought I, many days are not, not for ever, many days will

have an end, therefore seeing I was to be afflicted, not a few, but many

days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I could recall

myself sometimes, and give myself a help, for as soon as ever the

words came ‘into my mind’ at first, I knew my trouble would be long;

yet this would be but sometimes, for I could not always think on this,

nor ever be helped ‘by it,’ though  I did.

200. Now, while these Scriptures lay before me, and laid sin ‘anew’ at

my door, that saying in the 18th of Luke, with others, did encourage me

to prayer. Then the tempter again laid at me very sore, suggesting, That

neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all concern

me, nor could they help me for my sin; ‘therefore it was in vain to

pray.’ Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is

unpardonable. ‘Well, said I, I will pray. It is to no boot, said he.’ Yet,

said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at

prayer, I uttered words to this effect, Lord, Satan tells me that neither

thy mercy, nor Christ’s blood, is sufficient to save my soul; Lord, shall

I honour thee most, by believing thou wilt and canst? or ‘him,’ by

believing thou neither wilt nor canst? Lord, I would fain honour thee,

by believing thou wilt and canst.

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my

heart, “O [wo]man, great is thy faith” (Matt 15:28), even as if one had

clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God. Yet I was

not able to believe this, ‘that this was a prayer of faith,’ till almost six

months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should

be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be as sticking in

the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down ‘in a sad

condition,’ crying, Is his mercy clean gone? Is his mercy clean gone for

ever? And I thought sometimes, even when I was groaning in these

expressions, they did seem to make a question whether it was or no; yet

I greatly feared it was.

202. ‘There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out

of doubt, as to this thing in question; and, as I was vehemently desiring

to know if there was indeed hopes for me, these words came rolling

into my mind, “Will the Lord cast off for ever? And will he be a

favourable no more? Is his mercy clean gone for ever? Doth his

promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath he

in anger shut up his tender mercies?” (Psa 77:7-9). And all the while

they run in my mind, methought I had this still as the answer, It is a

question whether he had or no; it may be he hath not. Yea, the

interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed

he had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable; that his

promise doth not fail, and that he had not forgotten to be gracious, nor

would in anger shut up his tender mercy. Something, also, there was

upon my heart at the same time, which I now cannot call to mind;

which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and made me conclude that

his mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.’[47]

203. At another time, I remember I was again much under the question,

Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? In which

doubt I continued from morning till about seven or eight at night; and at

last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not

lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart, He is

able. But methought this word ABLE was spoke so loud unto me; it

showed such a great word, ‘it seemed to be writ in great letters,’ and

gave such a justle to my fear and doubt, I mean for the time it tarried

with me, which was about a day, as I never had from that all my life,

either before or after that (Heb 7:25).

204. But one morning, when I was again at prayer, and trembling under

the fear of this, that no word of God could help me, that piece of a

sentence darted in upon me, “My grace is sufficient.” At this methought

I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh how good a thing it

is for God to send his Word! For about a fortnight before I was looking

on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul

with comfort, ‘therefore’ I threw down my book in a pet. ‘Then I

thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough’; but now,

it was as if it had arms of grace so wide that it could not only enclose

me, but many more besides.

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding

conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be

in and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble

presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong as full of fear and

guilt as ever heart could hold; and this was not only now and then, but

my whole seven weeks’ experience; for this about the sufficiency of

grace, and that of Esau’s parting with his birthright, would be like a

pair of scales within my mind, sometimes one end would be uppermost,

and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace

or trouble.

206. Therefore I still did pray to God, that he would come in with this

Scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that he would help me to

apply the whole sentence, ‘for as yet I could not: that he gave, I

gathered; but further I could not go,’ for as yet it only helped me to

hope ‘there might be mercy for me,’ “My grace is sufficient”; and

though it came no farther, it answered my former question; to wit, that

there was hope; yet, because “for thee” was left out, I was not

contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day as I was

in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror, for my fears

again were strong upon me; and as I was now thinking my soul was

never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did,

with great power, suddenly break in upon me, “My grace is sufficient

for thee, my grace is sufficient for thee, my grace is sufficient for thee,”

three times together; and, oh! methought that every word as a mighty

word unto me; as my, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were

then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as

though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven through the

tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning

home, it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as

the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and

refreshing comfort, yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did

encourage me to hope. But so soon as that powerful operation of it was

taken off my heart, that other about Esau returned upon me as before;

so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up and

sometimes down, now in peace, and anon again in terror.

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and

sometimes tormented; and, especially at some times, my torment would

be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would

be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of

heaven. Then, again, I should begin to repent that ever that thought

went through me, I should also think thus with myself, Why, how many

scriptures are there against me? There are but three or four: and cannot

God miss them, and save me for all them? Sometimes, again, I should

think, Oh! if it were not for these three or four words, now how might I

be comforted? And I could hardly forbear, at some times, but to wish

them out of the book.

209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter, and Paul, and John,

and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in

derision; and as if they said unto me, All our words are truth, one of as

much force as another. It is not we that have cut you off, but you have

cast away yourself; there is none of our sentences that you must take

hold upon but these, and such as these: “It is impossible; there remains

no more sacrifice for sin” (Heb 6). And “it had been better for them not

to have known” the will of God, “than after they have known it, to turn

from the holy commandment delivered unto them” (2 Peter 2:21). “For

the Scriptures cannot be broken.”[48]

210. ‘These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw were to be the

judges both of my case and me, while I stood, with the avenger of

blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance, also with a

thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for

ever (Josh 20:3,4).’

211. Thus was I confounded, not knowing what to do, nor how to be

satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in the

salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles, I knew their words were

true, and that they must stand for ever.

212. And I remember one day, as I was in diverse frames of spirit, and

considering that these frames were still according to the nature of the

several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was

I quiet; but if that of Esau, then tormented; Lord, thought I, if both

these scriptures would meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of

them would get the better of me. So methought I had a longing mind

that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they

might.

213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted

both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a

while; at last, that about Esau’s birthright began to wax weak, and

withdraw, and vanish; and this about the sufficiency of grace prevailed

with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that

scripture came home upon me, “Mercy rejoiceth against judgment”

(James 2:13).

214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly I am apt to think it was of

God; for the word of the law and wrath must give place to the word of

life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious,

yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory (2 Cor 3:8-

12; Mark 9:5-7). Also, that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and

leave Christ and his saints alone.

215. This scripture did also most sweetly visit my soul, “And him that

cometh to me I will in no wise cast out” (John 6:37). Oh, the comfort

that I have had from this world, “in no wise”! as who should say, by no

means, for no thing, whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly

labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me that Christ did not

mean me, and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done

as I had done. But I should answer him again, Satan, here is in this

word no such exception; but “him that comes,” HIM, any him; “him

that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.” And this I well remember

still, that of all the sleights that Satan used to take this scripture from

me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come

aright? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew

full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright was to

come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet

of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for

any word ‘of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he

at one end and I at the other. Oh, what work did we make!’ It was for

this in John, ‘I say, that we did so tug and strive’; he pulled and I

pulled; but, God be praised, ‘I got the better of him,’ I got some

sweetness from it.

216. But, notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace,

yet that of Esau’s selling of his birthright would still at times distress

my conscience; for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that

but just before, yet when that came into ‘my’ mind, it would make me

fear again, I could not be quite rid thereof, it would every day be with

me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the

nature of this blasphemous thought; I mean, if I should take the words

at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even

every word therein. So when I had thus considered, I found, that if they

were fairly taken, they would amount to this, that I had freely left the

Lord Jesus Christ to his choice, whether he would be my Saviour or no;

for the wicked words were these, Let him go if he will. Then that

scripture gave me hope, “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee” (Heb

13:5). O Lord, said I, but I have left thee. Then it answered again, “But

I will not leave thee.” For this I thank God also.

217. Yet I was grievously afraid he should, and found it exceeding hard

to trust him, seeing I had so offended him. I could have been exceeding

glad that this thought had never befallen, for then I thought I could,

with more ease and freedom abundance, have leaned upon his grace. I

see it was with me, as it was with Joseph’s brethren; the guilt of their

own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would

at last despise them (Gen 50:15-17).

218. But above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with, that in the

twentieth of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the

slayer that was to flee for refuge. And if the avenger of blood pursue

the slayer, then, saith Moses, they that are the elders of the city of

refuge shall not deliver him into his hand, because he smote his

neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. Oh, blessed be

God for this word; I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the

avenger of blood pursued me, that I felt with great terror; only now it

remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of

refuge.[49] So I found that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood:

‘it was not the willful murderer,’ but he who unwittingly did it, he who

did unawares shed blood; ‘not of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that

shed it unwittingly,’ even he who did not hate his neighbour before.

Wherefore,

219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had

smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. I hated

him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto him, was tender of sinning against

him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a

twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it

did it in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had right to enter this

city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up.

This, therefore, was great comfort to me; and did give me much ground

of hope.

220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not

what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my

soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether it be

possible for any soul that hath indeed sinned the unpardonable sin, yet

after that to receive though but the least true spiritual comfort from God

through Christ? The which, after I had much considered, I found the

answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:--

221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a

share in the blood of Christ, and being shut out of that, they must needs

be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; for to

such “there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins” (Heb 10:26).

Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life; they

shall never be forgiven, “neither in this world, neither in that which is

to come” (Matt 12:32). Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also

from a share in his blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own

them both before his holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven

(Mark 8:38).

222. When I had, with much deliberation, considered of this matter, and

could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too

after this my wicked sin; then, methought, I durst venture to come nigh

unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while

I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which, indeed, before I durst

scarce cast mine eye, yea, had much ado an hundred times to forbear

wishing of them out of the Bible; for I thought they would destroy me;

but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement to

come close to them, to read them, and consider them, and to weigh

their scope and tendency.

223. The which, when I began to do, I found their visage changed; for

they looked not so grimly on me as before I thought they did. And,

first, I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should

strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there

intended was a falling quite away; that is, as I conceived, a falling

from, and an absolute denial of the gospel of remission of sins by

Christ; for from them the apostle begins his argument (vv 1-3).

Secondly, I found that this falling away must be openly, even in the

view of the world, even so as “to put Christ to an open shame.” Thirdly,

I found that those he there intended were for ever shut up of God, both

in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: it is impossible they should be

renewed again unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found, to

God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.

‘First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away, that is, from the

profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life. Secondly, I confessed that

I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame; I did

not deny him before men, nor condemn him as a fruitless one before

the world. Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied

me to come, though I found it hard work indeed to come to him by

sorrow and repentance. Blessed be God for unsearchable grace.’

224. Then I considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews, and found that

the willful sin there mentioned is not every willful sin, but that which

doth throw off Christ, and then his commandments too. Secondly, That

must also be done openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer that

of the law (v 28). Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with great

despite done to the Spirit of grace; despising both the dissuasions from

that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows,

though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.

225. And as touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews, about Esau’s

selling his birthright, though this was that which killed me, and stood

like a spear against me; yet now I did consider, First, That his was not a

hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thought

consented to and put in practice likewise, and that too after some

deliberation (Gen 25). Secondly, It was a public and open action, even

before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far

more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, He

continued to slight his birthright: “He did eat and drink, and went his

way; thus Esau despised his birthright” (v 34). Yea, twenty years after,

he was found to despise it still. “And Esau said, I have enough, my

brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself” (Gen 33:9).

226. Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance; thus

I thought, first, This was not for the birthright, but for the blessing; this

is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself; “he took

away my birthright [that is, formerly]; and, behold, now he hath taken

away my blessing” (Gen 27:36). Secondly, Now, this being thus

considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind

of God, in a New Testament style and sense, concerning Esau’s sin;

and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, That the

birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing the eternal

inheritance; for so the apostle seems to hint, “Lest there be any profane

person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright”; as if

he should say, Lest there be any person amongst you, that shall cast off

all those blessed beginnings of God that at present are upon him, in

order to a new birth, lest they become as Esau, even be rejected

afterwards, when they would inherit the blessing.

227. For many there are who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise

those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet, when

the deciding day appears, will cry as loud as Esau, “Lord, Lord, open to

us”; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will God the Father,

but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they shall be blessed; but as

for you, depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity (Gen 27:33; Luke

13:25-27).

228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus

to understand them was not against, but according to other scriptures;

this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave

a great blow to that objection, to wit, that the scripture could not agree

in the salvation of my soul. And now remained only the hinder part of

the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops did

still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my

former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it did oft

befall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire, I

thought every voice was Fire, fire; every little touch would hurt my

tender conscience.[50]

229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some

dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly

this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in heaven; and

methought withal, I saw, with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at

God’s right hand; there, I say, as my righteousness; so that wherever I

was, or whatever I was adoing, God could not say of me, He wants my

righteousness, for that was just before him. I also saw, moreover, that it

was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor

yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my

righteousness was Jesus Christ himself, the same yesterday, and to-day,

and for ever (Heb 13:8).

230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed, I was loosed from my

affliction and irons, my temptations also fled away; so that, from that

time, those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me; now went I

also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God. So when I came

home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence, Thy righteousness is

in heaven; but could not find such a saying, wherefore my heart began

to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, he “of God is

made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and

redemption”; by this word I saw the other sentence true (1 Cor 1:30).

231. For by this scripture, I saw that the man Christ Jesus, as he is

distinct from us, as touching his bodily presence, so he is our

righteousness and sanctification before God. Here, therefore, I lived for

some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh

methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before

my eyes, I was not now only for looking upon this and the other

benefits of Christ apart, as of his blood, burial, or resurrection, but

considered him as a whole Christ! As he in whom all these, and all

other his virtues, relations, offices, and operations met together, and

that ‘as he sat’ on the right hand of God in heaven.

232. It was glorious to me to see his exaltation, and the worth and

prevalency of all his benefits, and that because of this: now I could look

from myself to him, and should reckon that all those graces of God that

now were green in me, were yet but like those cracked groats and

fourpence-halfpennies[51] that rich men carry in their purses, when

their gold is in their trunks at home! Oh, I saw my gold was in my

trunk at home! In Christ, my Lord and Saviour! Now Christ was all; all

my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my

redemption.

233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with

the Son of God, that I was joined to him, that I was flesh of his flesh,

and bone of his bone, and now was that a sweet word to me in

Ephesians 5:30. By this also was my faith in him, as my righteousness,

the more confirmed to me; for if he and I were one, then his

righteousness was mine, his merits mine, his victory also mine. Now

could I see myself in heaven and earth at once; in heaven by my Christ,

by my head, by my righteousness and life, though on earth by my body

or person.

234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God, and should also be

looked upon by us, as that common or public person, [52] in whom all

the whole body of his elect are always to be considered and reckoned;

that we fulfilled the law by him, died by him, rose from the dead by

him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by him; when

he died, we died; and so of his resurrection. “Thy dead men shall live,

together with my dead body shall they arise,” saith he (Isa 26:19). And

again, “After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise

us up, and we shall live in his sight” (Hosea 6:2); which is now fulfilled

by the sitting down of the Son of man on the right hand of the Majesty

in the heavens, according to that to the Ephesians, he “hath raised us up

together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus”

(Eph 2:6).

235. Ah, these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many other

of a like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes, ‘so

that I have cause to say,’ “Praise ye the Lord. Praise God in his

sanctuary: praise him in the firmament of his power. Praise him for his

mighty acts: praise him according to his excellent greatness” (Psa

150:1,2).

236. Having thus, in few words, given you a taste of the sorrow and

affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my

wicked thought did lay me under! and having given you also a touch of

my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I

met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelve-month with

my heart, to my unspeakable admiration; I will now, God willing,

before I proceed any further, give you in a word or two, what, as I

conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what

advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.

237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which

two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me.

The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the

temptation that went before, still pray to God to keep me from

temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul

was much  in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only,

or at the most, principally for the removal of present troubles, and for

fresh discoveries of ‘his’ love in Christ! which I saw afterwards was

not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would

keep me from the evil that was to come.

238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David,

who, when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would

hold him back from sin and temptation to come; “Then,” saith he,

“shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the GREAT

transgression” (Psa 19:13). By this very word was I galled and

condemned, quite through this long temptation.

239. That also was another word that did much condemn me for my

folly, in the neglect of this duty (Heb 4:16), “Let us therefore come

boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find

grace to help in time of need.” This I had not done, and therefore was

suffered thus to sin and fall, according to what is written, “Pray that ye

enter not into temptation.” And truly this very thing is to this day of

such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the

Lord, go off my knees, until I entreat him for help and mercy against

the temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that

thou learn to beware of my negligence, by the affliction that for this

thing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.

240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and

on this manner did I do it. Upon a time my wife was great with child,

and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail,

were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have immediately

fallen in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth. Now, at this

very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the

being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with

all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if thou wilt

now remove this sad affliction from my wife, and cause that she be

troubled no more therewith this night, and now were her pangs just

upon her, then I shall know that thou canst discern the most secret

thoughts of the heart.

241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from

her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so she continued till

morning; at this I greatly marveled, not knowing what to think; but

after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell

to sleeping also. So when I waked in the morning, it came upon me

again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord

had showed me that he knew my secret thoughts, which was a great

astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful

thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart,

even this thought, Let Christ go if he will; so when I was fallen under

guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect

thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried

rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the most

secret thoughts of the heart.[53]

243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord and

his servant Gideon fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon

tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have

believed and ventured upon his word, therefore the Lord did afterwards

so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies;

and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help

(Judg 6, 7). Thus he served me, and that justly, for I should have

believed his word, and not have put an IF upon the all-seeingness of

God.

244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also

gained by this temptation; and first, By this I was made continually to

possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the being and glory

of God, and of his beloved Son; in the temptation ‘that went’ before,

my soul was perplexed with ‘unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart,

questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the Word, and

certainty of the world to come; I say, then I was greatly assaulted and

tormented with’ atheism; but now the case was otherwise, now was

God and Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of

comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the

holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and

compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel;[54] for I could not

consider him but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of

which was as the continual breaking of my bones.

245. The Scriptures now also were wonderful things unto me; I saw

that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of

heaven; those ‘that’ the Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss, but

those ‘that’ they oppose and condemn must perish evermore. Oh this

word, “For the Scripture cannot be broken”: would rend the caul of my

heart; and so would that other, “Whose soever sins ye remit, they are

remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.”

Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge (Josh 20:4),

those ‘that’ they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that

they shut out were to be slain by the avenger of blood.[55]

246. Oh! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrify my

mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me, as sometimes I

thought they every one did, more I say, than an army of forty thousand

men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom

the Scriptures bend themselves.

247. By this temptation I was made ‘to’ see more into the nature of the

promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the

mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thunderings of his

justice; this made me, with careful heart and watchful eye, with great

seriousness, to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed

with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural

force and latitude.

248. By this temptation, also, I was greatly beaten off my former

foolish practice, of putting by the word of promise when it came into

my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness

from the promise as I had done at other times, yea, like to a man a-

sinking, I should catch at all I saw; formerly I thought I might not

meddle with the promise unless I felt its comfort, but now it was no

time thus to do, the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.

249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word, which yet I feared

I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that

promise, that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I

should labour to take the Word as God had laid it down, without

restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof. O what did I now

see in that blessed sixth of John, “And him that cometh to me, I will in

no wise cast out” (v 37). Now I began to consider with myself, that

God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive

with. I thought also with myself that he spake not his words in haste, or

in unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very

truth and faithfulness (2 Sam 3:18).

250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce

towards the promise, as the horses do towards sound ground that yet

stick in the mire, concluding, though as one almost bereft of his wits

through fear, on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to

the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had

with Satan for that blessed sixth of John. I did not now, as at other

times, look principally for comfort, though, O how welcome would it

have been unto me! But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon,

that I might not sink for ever! ‘it was that I hunted for.’

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as

if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever. I was often as if I had run

upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him

as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to

petition the king contrary to the law (Esth 4:16). I thought also of

Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their

enemies for mercy (1 Kings 20:31). The woman of Canaan also, that

would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ (Matt 15:20-28).

And the man that went to borrow bread at midnight (Luke 11:5-8),

were great encouragements unto me.

251. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and

mercy, as I saw after this temptation. Great sins do draw out great

grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of

God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty.

When Job had passed through his captivity, he had “twice as much as

he had before” (Job 42:10). Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord.

Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be

brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them, and do pray God that

my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to

bear the iron yoke as I ‘did.’

‘I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this

temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could

hardly bear up under it, it was so out of measure amazing, when I

thought it could reach me, that I do think, if that sense of it had abode

long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.’

[ENTERS INTO FELLOWSHIP WITH THE CHURCH OF CHRIST

AT BEDFORD, IN WHICH HE AFTERWARDS BECAME A

MINISTERING ELDER.]

253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the

Lord’s dealings with me, of his dealings with me at sundry other

seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin

with what I met with when I first did join in fellowship with the people

of God in Bedford.[56] After I had propounded to the church that my

desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and

was also admitted by them; while I thought of that blessed ordinance of

Christ, which was his last supper with his disciples before his death,

that Scripture, “This do in remembrance of me” (Luke 22:19), was

made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down

upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins; and as

I then felt, did as if he plunged me in the virtue of the same. But,

behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce

and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to

blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that

then did eat thereof; that, lest I should at any time be guilty of

consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend

myself all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies;

and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them as it went

from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation I have thought

since was, because I did not, with that reverence ‘as became me,’ at

first approach to partake thereof.

254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have

rest nor ease; but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same

scripture by which my soul was visited before; and after that I have

been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed

ordinance, and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body as

broken for my sins, and that his precious blood hath been shed for my

transgressions.

255. Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a consumption,

wherewith, about the spring, I was suddenly and violently seized with

much weakness in my outward man, insomuch that I thought I could

not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination

after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that

blessed world to come; for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my

usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to

endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come clear before my eye.

256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience

of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my

mind, an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions, amongst

which these were at this time most to my affliction, namely, my

deadness, dullness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of

heart, ‘of’ my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to

God, his ways, and people, with this at the end of all, Are these the

fruits of Christianity? are these the tokens of a blessed man?

257. At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon

me, for now was I sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with

guilt; now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me

quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if it had never been, nor seen.

Now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations,

Live I must not, Die I dare not; now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and

was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the

house, as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of

my heart, Ye are “justified freely by his grace, through the redemption

that is in Christ Jesus” (Rom 3:24). ‘But oh what a turn it made upon

me!’

258. Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and

dream, and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it

thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest that because of thy sins

and infirmities I cannot save thy soul, but behold my Son is by me, and

upon him I look, and not on thee, and will deal with thee according as I

am pleased with him. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and

made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was

but ‘his’ looking upon Christ, and imputing of his benefits to us, and

the work was forthwith done.

259. And as I was thus in a muse that scripture also came with great

power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteousness which we have

done, but according to his mercy he saved us, &c. (Titus 3:5; 2 Tim

1:9). Now was I got on high; I saw myself within the arms of grace and

mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet now

I cried, Let me die. Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight; for

I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world. Oh,

methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above; at this

time also I saw more in those words, “Heirs of God” (Rom 8:17), than

ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. “Heirs of

God!” God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and

wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.[57]

260. ‘Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time

also the tempter did beset me strongly, for I find he is much for

assaulting the soul when it begins to approach towards the grave, then

is his opportunity, labouring to hide from me my former experience of

God’s goodness; also setting before me the terrors of death and the

judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of

miscarrying for ever, should I now die, I was as one dead before death

came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit;

methought, I said, there was no way, but to hell I must; but behold, just

as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angels carrying

Lazarus into Abraham’s bosom darted in upon me, as who should say,

So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did

sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which, when I

had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight

upon my mind, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy

victory?” (1 Cor 15:55). At this I became both well in body and mind at

once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in

my work for God again.’

261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury

in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness,

which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if

I had never seen or known them in my life; I was also so overrun in my

soul, with a senseless, heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my

soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins

were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with

chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize ‘upon’ my

outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and

uncomfortable ‘to me.’

262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was

sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, I must

go to Jesus; at this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the

blessed things of heaven were set within my view. While I was on this

sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife, said I, is there ever such a

scripture, I must go to Jesus? she said she could not tell, therefore I sat

musing still to see if I could remember such a place; I had not sat above

two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me, “And to an

innumerable company of angels,” and withal, Hebrews the twelfth,

about the mount Sion was set before mine eyes (vv 22-24).

263. Then with joy I told my wife, O now I know, I know! But that

night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for

the company of some of God’s people that I might have imparted unto

them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my

soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and

triumph, through Christ; this great glory did not continue upon me until

morning, yet that twelfth of the author to the Hebrews (Heb 12:22,23)

was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.

264. The words are these, “Ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the

city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable

company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the firstborn,

which are written in heaven, and to God the judge of all, and to the

spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the mediator of the new

covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things

than that of Abel.” Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over

and over, first to this word, and then to that, and showed me wonderful

glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since this time

been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy

on me.

[A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR’S CALL TO THE WORK

OF THE MINISTRY.]

265. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust

in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word, and of God’s

dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had been about five

or six years awakened, and helped ‘myself’ to see both the want and

worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and ‘also’ enabled to venture my soul

upon him, some of the most able among the saints with us, I say the

most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did

perceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of

his will in his holy and blessed Word, and had given me utterance, in

some measure, to express what I saw to others for edification;

‘therefore’ they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I

would be willing, at sometimes, to take in hand, in one of the meetings,

to speak a word of exhortation unto them.[58]

266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my

spirit, yet being still by them desired and intreated, I consented to their

request, and did twice at two several assemblies, but in private, though

with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them; at

which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the

sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted, and gave

thanks to the Father of mercies for the grace bestowed on me.

267. After this, sometimes when some of them did go into the country

to teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as

yet I did not, nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet

more privately still as I came amongst the good people in those places,

I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which,

they as the other received, with rejoicing, at the mercy of God to me-

ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.

268. Wherefore, to be brief, at last, being still desired by the church,

after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more

particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public

preaching the word, not only to, and amongst them that believed, but

also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith

thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret

pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain

glory, for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of

the devil concerning my eternal state.

269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of

my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the

continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of Paul to the

Corinthians, “I beseech you, brethren (ye know the household of

Stephanus, that it is the first fruits of Achaian, and that they have

addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints) that ye submit

yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and

laboureth” (1 Cor 16:15,16).

270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended

that men who have gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth, but

rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and

also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do, “They have

addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints.” This scripture, in

these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me and

strengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged

from several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified

in the Word and other ancient histories (Acts 8:4, 18:24,25; 1 Peter

4:10; Rom 12:6; Foxe’s Acts and Monuments).

271. Wherefore, though of myself, of all the saints the most unworthy,

yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own

weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the

proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed

me in the holy Word of truth; which, when the country understood,

they came in to hear the Word by hundreds, and that from all parts,

though upon sundry and divers accounts.

272. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowels and

pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour with great

diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God

would bless it, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience, in which also

the good Lord had respect to the desire of his servant; for I had not

preached long before some began to be touched by the Word, and to be

greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of

their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.

273. But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the

heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus

were touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me; and

though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still

they would confess it and affirm it before the saints of God; they would

also bless God for me, unworthy wretch that I am! and count me God’s

instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.

274. Wherefore, seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so

constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the

knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where

they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned

in his work such a foolish one as I, and then came that word of God to

my heart with much sweet refreshment, “The blessing of him that was

ready to perish came upon me; and I caused the widow’s heart to sing

for joy” (Job 29:13).

275. At this therefore I rejoiced, yea, the tears of those whom God did

awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to

me; for I thought on those sayings, “Who is he that maketh me glad but

the same which is made sorry by me?” (2 Cor 2;2); and again, Though

“I be not an apostle to others, yet, doubtless, I am to you: for the seal of

mine apostleship are ye in the Lord” (1 Cor 9:2). These things,

therefore, were as another argument unto me that God had called me to,

and stood by me in this work.

276. In my preaching of the Word, I took special notice of this one

thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to being where his Word

begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege

that the curse of God, by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all

men as they come into the world, because of sin. Now this part of my

work I fulfilled with great sense;[59] for the terrors of the law, and guilt

for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience. I preached what I

felt, what I smartingly did feel, even that under which my pour soul did

groan and tremble to astonishment.

277. Indeed I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went

myself in chains to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in my

own conscience that I persuaded them to beware of. I can truly say, and

that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have gone

full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been

taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my

work, and then immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit

stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me on, but

surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt or hell could take me off my

work.

278. Thus I went for the space of two years, crying out against men’s

sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which the Lord came

in upon my own soul with some staid peace and comfort through

Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed grace

through him. Wherefore now I altered in my preaching, for still I

preached what I saw and felt; now therefore I did much labour to hold

forth Jesus Christ in all his offices, relations, and benefits unto the

world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those

false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by

them fall and perish. On these things also I staid as long as on the other.

279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of union

with Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also. And

when I had traveled through these three chief points of the Word of

God, about the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present

practice and cast into prison, where I have lain[60] above as long again,

to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of

it according to the Scriptures in a way of preaching.

280. When I have been preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often all

the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness, cried to

God that he would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the soul;

still being grieved lest the enemy should take the Word away from the

conscience, and so it should become unfruitful. Wherefore I did labour

so to speak the Word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sins and

person guilty might be particularized by it.

281. Also, when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart to

think the Word should now fall as rain on stony places, still wishing

from my heart, O that they who have heard me speak this day did but

see as I do what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also what

the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in

such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from him. And, indeed, I

did often say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged up

presently before their eyes would be a means to awaken them, and

confirm them in the truth, I gladly should be contented.

282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been

engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel

of God had stood by at my back to encourage me. Oh, it hath been with

such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have

been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the

consciences of others, that I could not be contented with saying, I

believe, and am sure; methought I was more than sure, if it be lawful so

to express myself, that those things which then I asserted were true.

283. When I went first to preach the Word abroad, the doctors and

priests of the country did open wide against me.[61] But I was

persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing, but to see how many

of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by

the law, and of the want and worth of Christ; for, thought I, This shall

answer for me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before

their faces (Gen 30:33).

284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in

dispute amongst the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it

pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of

faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus; but

I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they

engendered strife, and because that they neither, in doing nor in leaving

undone, did commend us to God to be his. Besides, I saw my work

before me did run in another channel, even to carry an awakening

word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.[62]

285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men’s lines

(Rom 15:18)[63], though I condemn not all that do, for I verily thought,

and found by experience, that what was taught me by the Word and

Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to by the

soundest and best established conscience; and though I will not now

speak all that I know in this matter, yet my experience hath more

interest in that text of Scripture than many amongst men are aware (Gal

1:11,12).

286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry did after that

fall back, as sometimes too many did, I can truly say their loss hath

been more to me than if one of my own children, begotten of my body,

had been going to its grave; I think, verily, I may speak it without an

offence to the Lord, nothing hath gone so near me as that, unless it was

the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as if

I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children

were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this

excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of

God by this than if he had made me the emperor of the Christian world,

or the lord of all the glory of ‘the’ earth without it! O these words, “He

which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul

from death” (James 5:20). ‘”The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life;

and he that winneth souls is wise” (Prov 11:30). “They that be wise

shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many

to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever” (Dan 12:3). “For what is

our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? Are not even ye in the presence

of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming? For ye are our glory and joy” (1

Thess 2:19,20). These, I say, with many others of a like nature, have

been great refreshments to me.’

287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I

have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit to desire I

might preach there. I have also observed that such and such souls in

particular have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish

for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, been given

in as the fruits of my ministry. I have also observed, that a word cast in

by the by hath done more execution in a sermon than all that was

spoken besides; sometimes also when I have thought I did no good,

then I did the most of all; and at other times when I thought I should

catch them I have fished for nothing.

288. ‘I have also observed, that where there hath been a work to do

upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts, and by the

mouths of his servants. Yea, oftentimes when the wicked world hath

raged most, there hath been souls awaked by the Word. I could instance

particulars, but I forbear.’

289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the

darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were

furthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light,

for I feared not to show my gospel to any, but because I found my spirit

leaned most after awakening and converting work, and the Word that I

carried did lead itself most that way ‘also’; “yea, so have I strived to

preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build

upon another man’s foundation” (Rom 15:20).

290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were,

travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied

unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless it mattered

not who commended me; but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did

condemn. I have thought of that, “He that winneth souls is wise” (Prov

11:30); and again, “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and the

fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows in the hand of a mighty man,

so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath filled his

quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak

with the enemies in the gate” (Psa 127:3-5).

291. ‘It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions if they

seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation,

sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and an heart set on fire

to be saved by Christ, with strong breathing after a truly sanctified soul;

that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.’

292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending

me, and that of diverse kinds, as sometimes I should be assaulted with

great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak

the word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak

sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange

faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body that my legs have

scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.

293. Sometimes, again, when I have been preaching, I have been

violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted

to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also

at some times, even when I have begun to speak the Word with much

clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been before the ending of

that opportunity so blinded, and so estranged from the things I have

been speaking, and have also been so straitened in my speech, as to

utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known or

remembered what I have been about, or as if my head had been in a bag

all the time of the exercise.

294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some

smart and scorching[64] portion of the Word, I have found the tempter

suggest, What, will you preach this? this condemns yourself; of this

your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you do,

yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of

awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, as you will

never get from under.

295. ‘But, I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these

so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Samson, bowed myself with

all my might, to condemn sin and transgression wherever I found it,

yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience!

“Let me die,” thought I, “with the Philistines” (Judg 16:29,30), rather

than deal corruptly with the blessed Word of God, “Thou that teachest

another, teachest not thou thyself?” It is far better that thou do judge

thyself, even by preaching plainly to others, than that thou, to save

thyself, imprison the truth in unrighteousness; blessed be God for his

help also in this.’

296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often

tempted to pride and liftings up of heart; and though I dare not say I

have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord, of his precious

mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that, for the most part, I have had

but small joy to give way to such a thing; for it hath been my every

day’s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to

see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath

caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I

have felt this thorn in the flesh, the very mercy of God to me (2 Cor

12:7-9).

297. I have had also, together with this, some notable place or other of

the Word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some

sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul,

notwithstanding gifts and parts; as, for instance, that hath been of great

use unto me, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,

and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, and a tinkling

cymbal” (1 Cor 13:1,2).

298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skillful

player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all

who hear him play can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the

cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of

the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may

come to nought and perish, though, in times past, such music hath been

made upon it.

299. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have gifts, but

want saving grace, they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the

hand of David; and as David could, with the cymbal, make that mirth in

the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ

can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of his people

in his church; yet when he hath done all, hang them by as lifeless,

though sounding cymbals.[65]

300. This consideration, therefore, together with some others, were, for

the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain glory;

what, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass? Is it so

much to be a fiddle? Hath not the least creature that hath life, more of

God in it than these? Besides, I knew it was love should never die, but

these must cease and vanish; so I concluded, a little grace, a little love,

a little of the true fear of God, is better than all these gifts; yea, and I

am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for a soul that can scarce

give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method, I say it is

possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to be

more in the love and favour of the Lord than some who, by virtue of the

gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.[66]

301. ‘Thus, therefore, I came to perceive, that though gifts in

themselves were good to the thing for which they are designed, to wit,

the edification of others; yet empty and without power to save the soul

of him that hath them, if they be alone; neither are they, as so, any sign

of a man’s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some,

of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must, when a little

love more is over, give an account to him that is ready to judge the

quick and the dead.’

302. ‘This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not

in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have

them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, &c., all which

were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every

unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into

the condemnation of the devil.’

303. ‘I saw therefore that he that hath gifts had need be let into a sight

of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to

be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall short of

the grace of God.’

304. ‘He hath also cause to walk humbly with God, and be little in his

own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but

the church’s; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and

he must give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus;

and to give a good account, will be a blessed thing.’

305. ‘Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord; gifts

indeed are desirable, but yet great grace and small gifts are better than

great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory,

but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such an one, to

whom the Lord gives grace, true grace, for that is a certain forerunner

of glory.’

306. ‘But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of

me would not answer his design, to wit, to overthrown my ministry,

and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof; then he tried another

way, which was to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious, to

load me with slanders and reproaches; now therefore I may say, That

what the devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up

and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means

they should make my ministry to be abandoned.’

307. ‘It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the

people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.’

308. ‘ To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent. But

as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before

the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things, with

all the rest of their iniquities, unless God shall give them repentance for

them, for the which I pray with all my heart.’

309. ‘But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was,

that I had my misses, my whores, my bastards, yea, two wives at once,

and the like. Now these slanders, with the other, I glory in, because but

slanders, foolish, or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the

devil and his seed; and should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the

world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God. “Blessed

are ye [said the Lord Jesus] when men shall revile you, and persecute

you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake;

rejoice, and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven; for

so persecuted they the prophets which were before you” (Matt 4:11).’

310. ‘These things, therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not;

no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I have a good

conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil doer, they

shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in

Christ.[67]’

311. ‘So then, what shall I say to those that have thus bespattered me?

shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall I flatter them? Shall I

intreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I, were it not for that these

things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and abettors,

I would say unto them, Report it, because it will increase my glory.’

312. ‘Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament, it

belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached

and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my

conscience do bear me witness; I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s

sake.’

313. ‘I also calling all those fools, or knaves, that have thus made it

anything of their business, to affirm any of the things afore-named of

me, namely, that I have been naught with other women, or the like.

When they have used to the utmost of their endeavours, and made the

fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any

woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in

any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with

them; and speak I thus, to beg mine enemies into a good esteem of me;

no, not I: I will in this beg relief of no man; believe or disbelieve me in

this, all is a case to me.[68]’

314. ‘My foes have missed their mark in this their shooting at me. I am

not the man. I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the

fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged by the neck till they

be dead, JOHN BUNYAN, the object of their envy, would be still alive

and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman

breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel,

their children, or by common fame, except my wife.’

315. ‘And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that he made me shy of

women from my first conversion until now. Those know, and can also

bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately concerned,

that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman; the

common salutation of a woman I abhor, it is odious to me in

whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I cannot away with. I

seldom so much as touch a woman’s hand, for I think these things are

not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those women

that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made

my objection against it, and when they have answered, that it was but a

piece of civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight; some indeed

have urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made

baulks,[69] why they did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-

favoured go; thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the

eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.’

316. ‘And now for a wind up in this matter, I calling not only men, but

angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman

save my wife, nor am I afraid to do it a second time, knowing that I

cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my

soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have been thus kept,

because of any goodness in me more than any other, but God has been

merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that he will keep me

still, not only from this, but from every evil way and work, and

preserve me to his heavenly kingdom. Amen.’

317. ‘Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me

vile among my countrymen, that if possible, my preaching might be

made of none effect, so there was added hereto a long and tedious

imprisonment, that thereby I might be frighted from my service for

Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach, of

which I shall in the next place give you a brief account.’

[A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR’S IMPRISONMENT]

318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long

time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a

meeting of good people in the country, among whom, had they let me

alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from

amongst them, and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered

security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me,

because my sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach

no more to the people.

319. At the sessions after, I was indicted for an upholder and

maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not

conforming to the national worship of the Church of England; and after

some conference there with the justices, ‘they taking my plain dealing

with them for a confession, as they termed it, of the indictment,’ did

sentence me to perpetual banishment, because I refused to conform. So

being again delivered up to the jailer’s hands, I was had home to prison

again, and there have lain now[70] ‘complete twelve years,’ waiting to

see what God would suffer these men to do with me.

320. In which condition I have continued with much content, through

grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both

from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which, glory be

to Jesus Christ, I have also received among many things, much

conviction, instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not

here discourse; only give you in a hint or two, a word that may stir up

the godly to bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take

encouragement, should the case be their own, not to fear what man can

do unto them.

321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the Word of God as

now; those Scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this

place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was never more real

and apparent than now; here I have seen him and felt him indeed: O

that word, We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables (2

Peter 1:16); and that, God raised Christ from the dead, and gave him

glory, that your faith and hope might be in God (1 Peter 1:2), were

blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition.

322. These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshment in

this condition to me (John 14:1-4, 16:33; Col 3:3,4; Heb 12:22-24). So

that sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I have been

able to laugh at destruction, and to fear neither the horse nor his rider

(Job 39:18). I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in

this place, and of my being with Jesus in another world: O, “the mount

Zion, the heavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, and

God the judge of all, and the spirits of just men made perfect, and to

Jesus” (Heb 12:22-24), have been sweet unto me in this place: I have

seen THAT here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world,

be able to express; I have seen a truth in that scripture, “Whom having

not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye se him not, yet believing, ye

rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory” (1 Peter 1:8).[71]

323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and

at every offer of Satan ‘to afflict me,’ &c., as I have found him since I

came in hither; for look how fears have presented themselves, so have

supports and encouragements, yea, when I have started, even as it were

at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me,

hath not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture and

another strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said,

Were it lawful, I could pray for greater trouble, for the greater

comfort’s sake (Eccl 7:14; 2 Cor 1:5).

324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was a-coming, and had

especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was how to

be able to endure, should my imprisonment be long and tedious; the

second was how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my

portion; for the first of these, that scripture (Col 1:11) was great

information to me, namely, to pray to God to be “strengthened with all

might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and long-

suffering with joyfulness.” I could seldom go to prayer before I was

imprisoned, but not for so little as a year together, this sentence, or

sweet petition, would, as it were, thrust itself into my mind, and

persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-suffering, I must

have all patience, especially if I would endure it joyfully.

325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor 1:9), was of

great use to me, But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we

should  not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead. By

this scripture I was made to see, that if ever I would suffer rightly, I

must first pass a sentence of death upon everything that can properly be

called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children,

my health, my enjoyments, and all, as dead to me, and myself as dead

to them. “He that loveth father or mother, son or daughter, more than

me, is not worthy of me” (Matt 10:37).

326. The second was, to live upon God that is invisible; as Paul said in

another place, the way not to faint, is to “look not at the things which

are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are

seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Cor

4:18). And thus I reasoned with myself; if I provide only for a prison,

then the whip comes at unawares; and so does also the pillory; again, if

I provide only for these, then I am not fit for banishment; further, if I

conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death come I am

surprised. So that I see the best way to go through sufferings is to trust

in God through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as touching

this world, to count “the grave my house, to make my bed in darkness,

and to say to corruption, Thou art my father, and to the worm, Thou art

my mother and my sister.” That is, to familiarize these things to

me.[72]

327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man, and

compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children

hath oft been to me in this place as the pulling the flesh from my bones,

and that not only because I am somewhat too too fond of those great

mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the

many hardships, miseries and wants that my poor family was like to

meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child,

who lay nearer my heart than all I had besides; O the thoughts of the

hardship I thought my blind one might go under, would break my heart

to pieces.

328. Poor child, thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy

portion in this world? Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger,

cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now

endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling myself,

thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth to the quick

to leave you. O, I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling

down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet thought I, I

must do it, I must do it. And now I thought on those two milch kine that

were to carry the ark of God into another country, and to leave their

calves behind them (1 Sam 6:10-12).

329. But that which helped me in this temptation was divers

considerations, of which three in special here I will name; the first was

the consideration of those two scriptures, “Leave thy fatherless

children, I will preserve them alive, and let thy widows trust in me.”

And again, “The Lord said, Verily it shall be well with thy remnant;

verily I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil,”

&c. (Jer 49:11, 15:11).

330. I had also this consideration, that if I should now venture all for

God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments; but if I forsook

him and his ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or

mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count

also that my concernments were not so sure, if left at God’s feet, while

I stood to and for his name, as they would be, if they were under my

own tuition,[73] though with the denial of the way of God. This was a

smarting consideration, and was as spurs unto my flesh. That scripture

also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays

against Judas, that God would disappoint him in all his selfish thoughts,

which moved him to sell his master: pray read it soberly (Psa 109:6-

20).

331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the

torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of, that for fear of

the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, his words, and

laws, before the sons of men; I thought also of the glory that he had

prepared for those that, in faith, and love, and patience, stood to his

ways before them. These things, I say, have helped me, when the

thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of

my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mine.

332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my

profession, then I have thought of that scripture, “They were stoned,

they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword; they

wandered about in sheep skins and goat skins; being destitute, afflicted,

tormented, of whom the world was not worthy” (Heb 11:37), for all

they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them. I

have also thought of that saying, “The Holy Ghost witnesseth in every

city, that bonds and afflictions abide me.” I have verily thought that my

soul and it[74] have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate

of a banished and exiled condition, how they are exposed to hunger, to

cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and

at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor forlorn and desolate

sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most

delicate reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart

to God.

333. I will tell you a pretty business; I was once above all the rest in a

very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also I being

but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lay

much upon my spirit, That my imprisonment might end at the gallows

for aught that I could tell. Now, therefore, Satan laid hard at me to beat

me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me, But how if when you

come indeed to die, you should be in this condition; that is, as not to

savour the things of God, nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a

better state hereafter? For indeed at that time all the things of God were

hid from my soul.

334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great

trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now

was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did think I could, if I should

be called to it: besides, I thought with myself, if I should make  a

scrabbling[75] shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with

quaking, or other symptoms of faintings, give occasion to the enemy to

reproach the way of God and his people, for their timorousness. This

therefore lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed

to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, for such a cause as this.

335. Wherefore, I prayed to God that he would comfort me, and give

me strength to do and suffer what he should call me to ; yet no comfort

appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time so really

possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on the

ladder with a rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement

to me, I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last

words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and,

thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very

last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.

336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still

the tempter followed me with, But whither must you go when you die?

What will become of you? Where will you be found in another world?

What evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance

among them that are sanctified? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and

knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon

me, That it was for the Word and way of God, that I was in this

condition, wherefore I was engaged not to flinch a hair’s breadth from

it.

337. I thought also, that God might choose, whether he would give me

comfort now or at the hour of death, but I might not therefore choose

whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but he was

free: yea, it was my duty to stand to his word, whether he would ever

look upon me or no, or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, the

point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with

Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in,

thought I, I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity, sink or

swim, come heaven, come hell, Lord Jesus, if thou wilt catch me, do;

‘if not,’ I will venture for thy name.

338. I was no sooner fixed upon this resolution, but that word dropped

upon me, “Doth Job serve God for nought?” As if the accuser had said,

Lord, Job is no upright man, he serves thee for by-respects: hast thou

not made a hedge about him, &c. “But put forth thine hand now, and

touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.” How now,

thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve God,

when all is taken from him? Is he a godly man, that will serve God for

nothing rather than give out? blessed be God, then, I hope I have an

upright heart, for I am resolved, God giving me strength, never to deny

my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains; and as I was

thus considering, that scripture was set before me (Psa 44:12-26).[76]

339. Now was my heart full of comfort, for I hoped it was sincere: I

would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every

time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever for the teaching I

have had by it. Many more of the dealings of God towards me I might

relate, but these, “Out of the spoils won in battles have I dedicated to

maintain the house of the LORD” (1 Chron 26:27).

THE CONCLUSION.

1. Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the

being ‘of God,’ and truth of his gospel, is the worst, and the worst to be

borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me,

and removeth the foundation from under me: O, I have often thought of

that word, “have your loins girt about with truth”; and of that, “When

the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?”

2. ‘Sometimes, when, after sin committed, I have looked for sore

chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from

him hath been the discovery of his grace. Sometimes, when I have been

comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble.

And then, again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise,

to give such way to comfort. With such strength and weight have both

these been upon me.’

3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit

my soul with never so blessed a discovery of himself, yet I have found

again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in

my spirits so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once

conceive what that God and that comfort was with which I have been

refreshed.

4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible than I could well

tell how to stand under, and yet at another time the whole Bible hath

been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, my heart hath been so dead and

dry unto it, that I could not conceive the least drachm of refreshment,

though I have looked it ‘all’ over.

5. Of all tears, they are the best that are made by the blood of Christ;

and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over

Christ. Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our

arms, before God. I hope I know something of these things.

6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclinings to

unbelief. 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ

manifesteth. 3. A leaning to the works of the law. 4. Wanderings and

coldness in prayer. 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for. 6. Apt to

murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have. 7.

I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my

corruptions will thrust in themselves, “when I would do good, evil is

present with me.”

7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and

oppressed with; yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good.

1. They make me abhor myself. 2. They keep me from trusting my

heart. 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent

righteousness. 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus. 5.

They press me to pray unto God. 6. They show me the need I have to

watch and be sober. 7. And provoke me to look to God, through Christ,

to help me, and carry me through this world. Amen.

FOOTNOTES:

1. Dr. Cheever.

2. Leicester was only besieged by the royal army, who took it, and

cruelly treated the inhabitants; upon the republicans appearing before it,

the city surrendered at once without a siege.—Ed.

3. This should be the prayer and effort of every Christian for his

brethren and sisters in Christ, and more especially of those who are

called to the public ministry.—Ed.

4. The people of God look back on the day of their espousals with holy

joy and thanksgiving to the God of their mercies; and they delight in

telling his goodness to others. “Come and hear, all ye that fear God,

and I will declare what he hath done for my soul” (Psa 66:16).—

Mason.

5. How unspeakable the mercy that our omnipresent God will hear the

prayer of the heart under all circumstances, at all times, in all places.

Had he limited it to certain forms, in certain buildings, read by certain

men, what fearful merchandise of souls they would have made.—Ed.

6. Bunyan says very little about his parents in his treatise on ‘Christian

Behaviour’; he concludes his observations on the duties of a pious son

to ungodly parents with this remarkable prayer, ‘The Lord, if it be his

will, convert OUR poor parents, that they, with us, may be the children

of God.’ Although this does not demonstrate that his own parents were

ungodly, yet his silence as to their piety upon all occasions when

speaking of them, and the fervent feeling expressed in this short prayer,

inclines me to conclude that they were not pious persons in his

judgment.—Ed.

7. Mr. Bunyan alludes to the poverty of his education in several of his

works. Thus, in his Scriptural poems—

‘I am no poet, nor a poet’s son

But a mechanic, guided by no rule

But what I gained in a grammar school,

In my minority.’

And in the preface to ‘The Law and Grace’: ‘Reader, if thou do find

this book empty of fantastical expressions, and without light, vain,

whimsical, scholar-like terms; thou must understand, it is because I

never went to school to Aristotle or Plato, but was brought up at my

father’s house, in a very mean condition, among a company of poor

countrymen.’—Ed.

8. ‘I have been vile myself, but have obtained mercy; and I would have

my companions in sin partake of mercy too.’—Preface to Jerusalem

Sinner Saved.—Ed.

9. Every careless sinner, or wicked professor, carries upon his forehead

the name of Infidel and Atheist, a practical unbeliever in the Bible, in

the day of judgment, and in the existence of a holy God.—Ed.

10. Bunyan served in the wars between Charles I and his country, but it

is not known on which side. Judging from his ‘delight in all

transgressions against the law of God,’ as he describes his conduct to

have been at that time, he must have served on the king’s side, as one

of his drunken cavaliers. Probably this event took place when Leicester

was besieged by the king’s troops.—Ed.

11. The notice of his wife’s father being a godly man, and not

mentioning anything of the kind with regard to his own parents,

strengthens my conclusion that they were not professors of religion.

This very copy of the Pathway to Heaven here noticed, with the name

of Bunyan on the title, is in the Editor’s possession.—Ed.

12. Asking his father this question, looks a little as if the family had

been connected with the gipsy tribe.—Ed.

13. ‘The king (James, 1618) put forth an order to permit everybody, as

he had before given leave in the county of Lancaster, who should go to

evening prayer on the Lord’s day, to divertise themselves with lawful

exercises, with leaping, dancing, playing at bowls, shooting with bows

and arrows, as likewise to rear May poles, and to use May games and

Morris dancing; but those who refused coming to prayers were

forbidden to use these sports.’—(Camden’s Annals). The head of the

Church of England had wondrous power thus to dispense with God’s

laws.—Ed.

14. ‘Did cut the sinews,’ first edition; properly altered by Bunyan

afterwards to ‘did benumb.’

15. Tip cat, or cat, is an ancient English game, thus described in Strutt’s

Sports and Pastimes:--The game of cat is played with a cudgel. Its

denomination is derived from a piece of wood, about six inches long

and two thick, diminished from the middle to form a double cone.

When the cat is placed on the ground, the player strikes it smartly—it

matters not at which end—and it will rise with a rotatory motion high

enough for him to strike it; if he misses, another player takes his place;

if he hits, he calls for a number to be scored to his game; if that number

is more than as many lengths of his cudgel, he is out; if not, they are

scored, and he plays again.—Ed.

16. This wish looks as if Bunyan’s father had not checked him for this

wicked propensity; if so, he could not have pretended to piety or

religion.—Ed.

17. ‘Tom of Bedlam’; a byword for an inveterate drunkard, alluding to

an old interesting song describing the feelings of a poor maniac whose

frenzy had been induced by intoxication, and who escaped from

Bedlam.

‘Poore naked Tom is very drye

A little drinke for charitye!’

It ends with this verse—

‘The man in the moone drinkes claret,

Eates powder’d beef, turnip, and carret,

But a cup of old Malaga sacke

Will fire the bushe at his backe.’

Probably the tale is connected with the drummer’s tune, ‘Drunk or

sober, go to bed Tom.’—Ed.

18. When the Lord, in his blessed work upon the soul, illuminated the

mind, he opens to it a new world; he leads the blind by a way that they

know not, crooked things become straight, rough places plain, and he

never forsakes his charge.—Mason.

19. ‘Their talk went with me; my heart would tarry with them’; nothing

is so powerfully attractive as a community of feeling under the teaching

of the Holy Spirit. Bunyan’s wish to be ‘tried and searched,’ reminds

me of one who, when alarmed for his soul’s safety, earnestly prayed

that he might be made increasingly wretched, until he had found safety

in Jesus, and knew him, whom to know is joy unspeakable in this life,

and felicity in the eternal world.—Ed.

20. That bitter fanatic, Ross, calls the ranters ‘a sort of beasts,’ who

practiced sin that grace might abound. Many under that name were

openly profligate; they denied the sacraments, but were disowned by

the Quakers. It seems, from Bunyan, that they were infatuated with

some idea that the grossest sins of the flesh did not injure the sanctity

of the spirit!—Ed.

21. Faith comes by venturing wholly on Christ, as he is freely offered

in the Word—mercy to the miserable—salvation to the lost and self-

condemned. If we honour God’s veracity by giving credit to his Word,

he will honour that faith by giving us joy and peace in believing.—

Mason.

22. ‘In downright earnest’; as one who is in imminent danger of

drowning, or in a house on fire, eager to escape. Reader, have you ever

felt thus ‘in downright earnest’ for salvation? Blessed are they that

hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they SHALL be filled.—Ed.

23. This is an interesting view of church fellowship; and the admission

of a convert to Christian communion. See also Christiana at the

Interpreter’s House, and the preface to Bunyan’s ‘Christian

Behaviour.’—Ed.

24. The Christian who is found waiting upon God, is the thriving one;

the best way to be assured of our election is to examine our state with

the touchstone of truth, the Scriptures. The elect of God know Christ

savingly, esteem him precious, and obey him cheerfully from love and

gratitude.—Mason.

25. ‘Gingerly’; cautiously.

‘Has it a corn? or do’s it walk on conscience,

It treads so gingerly.’ Love’s Cure, Act ii., Scene 1.—Ed.

26. Manifestations of love and grace are not to be rested in, or made a

saviour of; they are given to strengthen and prepare us for future

trials.—Mason.

27. Here we have Christian in the valley of the shadow of death. ‘One

thing I would not let slip, I took notice that now poor Christian was so

confounded, that he did not know his own voice; and thus I perceived

it, just when he was come over against the mouth of the burning pit,

one of the wicked ones got behind him, and stept up softly to him, and

whisperingly suggested many grievous blasphemies to him, which he

verily thought had proceeded from his own mind.’—Pilgrim’s

Progress.—Ed.

28. ‘Under her apron,’ was altered in subsequent editions to ‘in her

arms.’—Ed.

29. ‘Poor fool’; altered, in later editions, to ‘poor soul.’—Ed.

30. John Gifford, Bunyan’s pastor, was a Kentish man, and had been a

major in the King’s army, a roistering cavalier. For some crimes, he,

with eleven others, was condemned to be hung, but made his escape to

London, and thence to Bedford, where, being unknown, he practiced

physic. Addicted to swearing, drinking, and gambling, he, in distress at

a serious loss, vowed repentance; he became greatly distressed under

conviction of sin; at length his mind was enlightened, the Holy Spirit

led him to forgiveness by the atonement of Christ, and his heart was

filled with a hitherto unknown source of blessedness. This he imparted

to others, and at length, in 1650, formed a church, with which the soul-

harassed pilgrim Bunyan cast in his lot as a member in 1653. There

appears to have been a strong mutual affection between him and his

pastor. In 1658, Mr. Gifford published a preface to Bunyan’s ‘Few

Sighs from Hell,’ in which he speaks of him with the warmest

affection, as one ‘that I verily believe God hath counted faithful, and

put him into the ministry—one that hath acquaintance with God, and

taught by his Spirit, and hath been used to do souls good. Divers have

felt the power of the word delivered by him, and I doubt not but that

many more may, if God continue him in his work.’ Judging from

Gifford’s preface, he must have been an excellent teacher to train

Bunyan for his important labours as a Christian minister. He uses the

same fervid striking language. Thus, on the value of the soul: ‘Consider

what an ill bargain thou will make to sell thy precious soul for a short

continuance in sin and pleasure. If that man drives an ill trade, who to

gain the whole world should lose his own soul, then certainly thou art

far worse that sells thy soul for a very trifle. Oh, ‘tis pity that so

precious a thing should be parted withal to be made a prey for the

devouring lion, for that which is worse than nothing. If they were

branded for desperate wretches that caused their children to pass

through the fire to Moloch, surely thou much more that gives thy soul

to devouring flames. What meanest thou, O man! to truck* with the

devil?’—See Sighs, 1st Edition, and Brooks’ Puritans.—Ed.

* ‘To truck’; to barter or exchange.

31. That persons called Quakers held these heresies, there can be no

doubt; but they were never held by that respectable and useful body of

Christians, the Society of Friends, is equally clear. Barclay, in his

Theses, 1675, says of the Scriptures:--‘They are the doctrine of Christ,

held forth in precious declarations, spoken and written by the movings

of God’s Spirit.’ He goes on to say, that the same Spirit can alone guide

man into these sacred truths. In all important doctrines, the difference

between the Quakers and evangelical professors is in terms and not in

things. Their distinguishing difference relates to the work of the

ministry.—Ed.

32. How natural is it for man to build up vain hopes of long life!

Bunyan’s vigorous constitution, had he enjoyed the free air of liberty,

might have prolonged his pilgrimage to extreme old age. But his long

imprisonment shortened his valuable life: it almost amounted to legal

murder.—

Ed.

33. Bunyan, in his treatise on ‘Jesus Christ the Advocate,’ admirably

shows the analogy between the year of jubilee and the Christian’s

reversion to his inheritance, although deprived for a time of the comfort

of it during his pilgrimage, by reason of sin.—Ed.

34. He is a restless, powerful, and malicious enemy; ever striving to

drive the sinner to desperation. Let the tempted look to Jesus the

serpent-bruiser to shield him, so that the fiery darts of the wicked one

may be quenched.—Mason.

35. Printed ‘did hear’ in first edition.—Ed.

36. Altered to ‘indeed’ in later editions.—Ed.

37. ‘Racked or broken upon the wheel,’ was a horrid mode of torturing

a criminal to death, formerly used in France. The sufferer was stretched

and made fast upon a large wheel, when the executioner, with a heavy

iron bar, proceeded to break every bone in his body; beginning with the

toes and fingers, and proceeding to crush those bones that the least

affected life, and ending by crushing the skull into the brains. How

piercing must have been the convictions of sin upon Bunyan’s soul, to

have led him to such a simile!—Ed.

38. ‘A Relation of the Fearful Estate of Francis Spira.’

‘Here see a soul that’s all despair; a man

All hell; a spirit all wounds.

Reader, would’st see what may you never feel,

Despair, racks, torments, whips of burning steel?

Behold this man, this furnace, in whose heart,

Sin hath created hell.’

From the address to the reader, in a copy of this awful narrative in

possession of the Editor. Spira was filled with remorse and despair for

having been induced, by improper motives, to become a papist.—Ed.

39. No Christian minister ever dwelt more richly on the ‘Saint’s

Knowledge of Christ’s Love’ than Bunyan. See vol. ii. p. 1. It was the

result of this soul-harrowing experience. He there shows its heights

exceeding the highest heavens, depths below the deepest hell, lengths

and breadths beyond comprehension. That treatise ought to be read and

cherished by every trembling believer.—Ed.

40. Alter, in later editions, to ‘flying fits.’—Ed.

41. Internal conflicts, dreams, or visions ought not to be the source of

peace or of bitterness to the soul. If they drive us to Christ, we may

hope that they are from heaven for our relief; but if their tendency is to

despair, by undervaluing the blood of atonement, or to lasciviousness,

they are from Satan. Our real dependence must be upon ‘a more sure

word of prophecy’: if we are well-grounded in the promises, it will save

us from many harassing doubts and fears which arise from a reliance

upon our feelings.—Ed.

42. That a poor penitent should perish at the feet of Jesus is an utter

impossibility. God, when manifest in the flesh, decreed, that

‘Whosoever cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out.’ ‘I will give

him rest.’ His Word must stand fast for ever.—Ed.

43. How soul-rending a thought! but it can only be the case with those

who continue to their death despising the Saviour. Those who love him

are kept by almighty power, everlasting love, and irresistible grace.—

Ed.

44. Happy would it be for tempted souls, in their distress, to look

simply to the declarations and promises of God in the Word; we there

find salvation completed by Christ. Our duty is to look in faith and

prayer to the Spirit of God for the application and comfort of it.—

Mason.

45. However humbling, this is a truth not to be disputed. The wisest

philosopher and most illiterate peasant are upon a level, fallen from

God. None will be excluded who come to Christ, whose gracious

invitation is general, ‘Whosoever will, let him take the water of life

freely’ (Rev 22:17).—Mason.

46. This is the proper source of comfort—the records of infallible truth.

There is found mercy for the miserable, redemption for the captive,

salvation for the lost, heaven for the hell-deserving sinner.—Mason.

47. Though we may wait long for mercy, yet the hand of faith never

knocked in vain at the door of heaven. Mercy is as surely ours as if we

had it, if it be given us in faith and patience to wait for it.—Mason.

48. To sin against light and knowledge, received in and by the gospel,

is a very heinous aggravation of sin. The condition of persons simply

ignorant is not so sad by far, as theirs who have been enlightened and

yet afterwards apostatized. Let the formalist and lukewarm professors

read this and tremble.—Mason.

49. The Holy Spirit is the candle of the Lord, by whose light the

awakened conscience is brought to see something of the mystery of

iniquity lurking in the heart. He first convinces of sin, righteousness,

and judgment; and then points to Jesus as the only security: ‘Behold the

Lamb of God.’—Mason.

50. This is very beautifully expressed; nothing can be more descriptive

of a poor pilgrim who has been toiling through the valley of the shadow

of death, and upon whose soul the day-spring from on high has

arisen.—Ed.

51. ‘Cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies.’ The humility of our

author is here most unobtrusively apparent. He had some treasure in his

‘earthen vessel’; but, in comparison with his store in Christ, it was like

a few cracked groats by the side of massive pure gold. What he meant

by ‘fourpence-halfpennies’ somewhat puzzled me, there never having

been any piece of English money coined of that value. I found that a

proclamation was issued shortly before Mr. Bunyan’s time (April 8,

1603), to save the people from being deceived with the silver harp

money of Ireland, purporting to be twelve and sixpenny pieces. It fixed

the value of the Irish twelvepence to be ninepence English; so that the

Irish sixpence was to pass current for fourpence-halfpenny in England.

That accomplished antiquary, Mr. Hawkins, the curator of the coins in

the British Museum, shewed me this Irish silver money; and agreed

with me in believing that Bunyan alludes to these Irish sixpences,

placing them in company with cracked groats, depreciated in value. Mr.

Hawkins was not aware that they had been in common circulation in

England.—Ed.

52. ‘Common or public,’ belonging equally to many. Christ is the

federal or covenant head of his church, each member claiming an equal

or common right to all his merits as a Saviour, Mediator, and

Advocate.—Ed.

53. This retort, or rebuke, is inserted twice in the first edition, probably

a typographical error.—Ed.

54. See note on No. 152. The feelings of Bunyan must have been

exceedingly pungent.—Ed.

55. This is a view of the power given to the apostles to forgive or retain

sins worthy of our serious consideration. That mysterious power, under

the pretence of possessing which merchandise is made of souls, if it

was not limited to the apostles personally, was intended to be used by

all those whom God sends to preach the gospel; an authority to

proclaim salvation or condemnation to those who receive or reject the

Saviour. Bunyan considers it a similar power to that given to the

governors of the city of refuge; to admit the terror-stricken soul that

‘shall declare his cause’—or confess his guilt—into the city, there to

abide the judgment upon him, as in Christ the Refuge. This is very

different to turning God out of his judgment-seat; as is the case when a

poor worm says to his fellow-worm, ‘I absolve thee from all thy sins.’

See the visitation of the sick, in the Book of Common Prayer.—Ed.

56. The mode of admitting members into the church, among the

Baptists, appears to have been the same in Bunyan’s days as it is now

practiced. It is, first to be introduced to the minister, who endeavours to

ascertain whether there is an earnest desire to flee from the wrath to

come, sincere repentance, and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. If so, he

mentions it to the church; and visitors are appointed, to encourage the

young convert, and to scrutinize into moral character. If they are

satisfied, he is invited to attend a private church meeting; and if the

members have a good hope that he is a decided believer in Jesus, they

receive him into their fellowship; and if he requests it, he is publicly

baptized in water, and communicates with the church at the Lord’s

table. This appears to have been the mode in which Bunyan was

admitted into the church at Bedford. Most of the Baptist churches now

agree with Bunyan, that the baptism of the Holy Ghost, or inward

spiritual regeneration, is, alone, the essential pre-requisite to the Lord’s

table; and they leave members to their own conclusions as to the

validity of their having been sprinkled in infancy, or the necessity of

immersion in water upon a profession of faith.—Ed.

57. Many will be surprised that Bunyan, who was so ready a writer,

should be unable to tell what he saw and felt when in these holy

enjoyments; but all who have had similar feelings will unite with him

in saying, they are inexpressible, great, and full of glory.—Ed.

58. This is a very correct view of the excellent mode in which

dissenting ministers are generally called to their important work. First,

their gifts in prayer and conversation upon Divine things, and aptness

in illustrating and confirming what they advance from the Scriptures, is

noticed; and, secondly, they are encouraged to pray with and address

the poor children in a Sunday school. If they manifest an aptness to

teach, they are, thirdly, invited to give an exhortation to the church

privately; and then, fourthly, they are encouraged to pray and preach

among the poor in country villages and in work-houses. The God who

gave the wish and the talent, soon opens a way to still more public

usefulness. In most cases, they enter upon a course of study, to fit them

for their momentous labours; but many of our most valuable ministers

have, like Bunyan, relied entirely upon their prayerful investigation of

the Scriptures. his college was a dungeon, his library the Bible; and he

came forth with gigantic power to grapple with the prince of darkness.

No human learning could have so fitted him for this terrible and

mysterious warfare.—Ed.

59. ‘With great sense,’ means with great feeling, arising from his own

acute experience.—Ed.

60. In the first edition Bunyan says, ‘I have lain as long,’ (five years).

This was in 1666.—Ed.

61. When God sends forth a zealous ambassador to publish the glad

tidings of salvation to perishing sinners, he will be sure to meet with

the fiercest opposition from proud pharisaical professors: so it was

from the beginning, and will be to the end of time; but the Lord will

work, and none shall hinder. Experimental preaching will always be

offensive to the carnal and profane.—Mason.

62. It is impossible to identify the sect to which Bunyan belonged by

reading his works. He rises above all sectarian bias in his earnest efforts

to win souls to Christ, and to keep them in a heavenly frame of mine.—

Ed.

63. ‘Other men’s lines,’ other men’s compositions. Bunyan went

himself to the fountain head of Divine truth, and was not taught by the

wisdom of his fellow-men in the things that pertained to salvation. He

spoke as he felt; and, while he copied no sentence from others, no man

that ever wrote has been so copied from by others. Application was

once made to the Editor, to publish an admirable sermon which had

been taken in short hand from the lips of a D.D.; when, to the surprise

of the applicant, he was shown the whole sermon in Bunyan’s

Heavenly Footman.—Ed.

64. Altered, in later editions, to ‘searching.’—Ed.

65. Gifts are no evidence of God’s favour; they are like the gold which

adorned the temple, but grace, the saving grace of the Spirit, is like the

altar which sanctifies the gold.—Mason..

66. In this paragraph is displayed that modest genuine humility which

shone so conspicuously in Bunyan. He possessed that popular natural

eloquence, by which he could deliver himself like an angel; but when

pride began to rise, he knocked it on the head with that severe maul, ‘Is

it so much to be a fiddle’ that Satan once so played upon?—Ed.

67. One circumstance from which these vile slanders were raised, is

narrated in the thrilling narrative of God’s gracious dealings with Mrs.

Agnes Beaumont. She was waiting in hopes of attending a meeting,

when ‘at last, quite unexpectedly, came Mr. Bunyan. The sight of him

caused a mixture of joy and grief. I was glad to see him, but afraid he

would not be willing to take me up behind him, and how to ask him I

knew not. At length my brother did; but Mr. Bunyan answered, with

some degree of roughness, “No, I will not carry her.” These words were

cutting indeed, and made me weep bitterly. My brother, perceiving my

trouble, said, “Sir, if you do not carry her, you will break her heart”;

but he made the same reply, adding, “Your father would be grievously

angry if I should.” “I will venture that,” said I. And thus, with much

entreaty, he was prevailed on; and O how glad was I to think I was

going. Soon after we set out, my father came to my brother’s, and

asked his men whom his daughter rode behind? They said, Mr. Bunyan.

Upon hearing this, his anger was greatly inflamed; he ran down the

close, thinking to overtake me, and pull me off the horse, but we were

gone out of his reach.

‘I had not ridden far, before my heart began to be lifted up with pride at

the thoughts of riding behind this servant of the Lord; and was pleased

if any looked after us, as we rode along. Indeed, I thought myself very

happy that day: first, that it pleased God to make way for my going;

and then, that I should have the honour to ride behind Mr. Bunyan, who

would sometimes be speaking to me about the things of God. My pride

soon had a fall; for, in entering Gam’gay, we were met by one Mr.

Lane, a clergyman who lived at Bedford, and knew us both, and spoke

to us, but looked very hard at us as we rode along; and soon after raised

a vile scandal upon us, though, blessed be God, it was false.’

No Christian should be without that deeply interesting volume of

Christian experience, James’ Abstract of the Gracious Dealings of God

with several Eminent Christians. The persecutions that Mrs. Beaumont

went through were like a dreadful tempest, yet was she joyfully

delivered out of them all.—Ed.

68. ‘All is a case,’ all the same. A case—that which falls, comes, or

happens; an event. See Blackie’s Imperial Dictionary.—Ed.

69. ‘Baulks,’ missing, omitting, leaving untouched. ‘This was looked

for at your hand, and this was baulked; the double gill of this

opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north

of my lady’s opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on a

Dutchman’s beard.’—Twelfth Night, Act iii. Scene 2; and Imperial

Dictionary.—Ed.

70. ‘Above five year and a quarter’ are the words in the first edition,

1666. His imprisonment commenced November 1660; the order for his

release bears date September 13, 1672, but it was some months before

he was discharged.—Ed.

71. Angel visits may be expected when Antichrist persecutes the

Christian to bonds and imprisonment. An angel released Peter from

prison; angels revealed to John, when exiled to Patmos, the wonders of

his book of Revelation. The Lord of angels, the angel of the covenant,

communes with Bunyan in his dungeon, and converts it into a Bethel to

his soul; and this, for refusing obedience to the laws of his country,

because those laws violated God’s prerogative, and impiously dared to

assume authority which belongs exclusively to the Almighty. They

remain to this day a disgrace to our statutes, but are never enforced.—

Ed.

72. Bunyan did well to prepare for the worst. He must have been

familiar with the horrid cruelties practiced upon Dr. Leighton by that

fiend in human shape, Archbishop Laud. The pious and learned doctor

was caught in Bedfordshire; and the story of his unparalleled sufferings

strengthened the Roundheads to deeds of valour, in putting an end to

such diabolical cruelties. The spirit of the charges against him were his

saying that no king may make laws in the house of God; and that the

bishops were ravens and magpies that prey upon the state. His

sufferings are narrated in Brooke’s Puritans, vol. ii. p. 478.—Ed.

73. ‘Tuition’ was altered to ‘care’ in later editions.—Ed.

74. i.e., My profession—the soul, shrinking from pain, moving him one

way, and his profession another.—Ed.

75. ‘To scrabble,’ to go on all fours—‘to move along on the hands and

knees, by clawing with the hands.’—Blackie’s Imperial Dictionary.—

Ed.

76. This is the language of a heaven-born soul, which sees such beauty

and excellency in Christ, that it would not part with him for a thousand

worlds; if there were no heaven hereafter, his delight in the ways of

God renders his service preferable to all the wealth, grandeur, and vain

pleasures of the ungodly.—Mason.

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